Noel and Ellen=92s = Ultimate Christmas Newsletter

A=20 Far, Far Better Ending=85

Foreword

Hollywood has fallen out of love with = unhappy=20 endings. Only endings = which are=20 clearly and unashamedly upbeat, or, for that matter, unashamedly gory, = now=20 satisfy the teenage market which makes or breaks every new film on its = first=20 weekend. Good = old-fashioned=20 tear-jerkers such as Casablanca and Gone With the Wind = promise no=20 happy endings for producers. = To a=20 movie accountant, the phrase =93Tomorrow is another day=94 only implies = that today=20 was bad, and that yesterday must have been even = worse.

No. = If=20 you are a young director on the rise, and you have a great idea for a = new=20 adaptation of =93A Tale of Two Cities=94, say, you should be sure to = have Sydney=20 Carton rescued by The Scarlet Pimpernel, just before he utters the = immortal=20 words =93=85It is a far, far better thing that I do=85=94 and that = better rest that he=20 goes to, had best be found at White=92s Club in London, just as soon as = he can get=20 there.

Noel Turner, Chief Film Reviewer in his own = front=20 room, offers his personally selected countdown of the Top 20 upcoming = remakes=20 from the big film studios. = Wouldn=92t=20 you prefer Rick to get on that plane out of Casablanca? Shouldn=92t Thelma and Louise = get a chance=20 to fly off into the sunset? = And=20 what would you rather see happen to Scarlett O=92 Hara at the end = of Gone=20 With the Wind? Does = having to cry=20 at the end of a film make you want to ask for your money back? Then this is the list for=20 you!

The=20 Countdown

(WARNING=20 =96 SPOILERS AHEAD!!!)

[CENSORED!!!]

Introduction

It seems that every film reviewer=92s list = since 1942 =96=20 apart, that is, from the list of that year=92s Oscar winners =96 has = Citizen Kane at=20 number 1. This, despite = its many=20 and obvious faults. = It=92s in black=20 and white. (Wouldn=92t = colour have=20 been better? They could = have made=20 it in colour. The Wizard = of Oz was=20 in colour, and that was made in 1939.) =20 It=92s got Orson Welles in almost every scene, whether Kane=92s = age was 21 or=20 99. Maybe it=92s hard to = give the=20 scenes real depth and emotion when your face is so caked with make-up = you look=20 like a victim of Botox. = But=20 couldn=92t they have found someone-else to do the old scenes? (Lon Chaney, perhaps? He could have been made to = look like=20 Welles, without half as much make-up.) =20 And then Welles spends the first 10 minutes of the film acting = like=20 Charlie Chaplin. = Was Chaplin=20 not available?

No. = In the opinion of this reviewer, placing Citizen Kane well = down=20 the list would make for a far, far, better ending in=20 itself.

Citizen=20 Kane (1941)

[PG =96=20 Warning: Children under the age of 18 may become bored and=20 fidgety]

Citizen Kane is the story of, well=85 Citizen Kane. That=92s about it really. Let=92s let the journalists = tell you the=20 plot=85

[Newsreel = footage: =93=85Then, last week, as it = must to all=20 men, Death came to Charles Foster Kane.=94 =20 Closing Frame: =20

=93THE=20 END=94

=93News=20 on the March=94]

[Scene: Interior. A windowless projection room = at a=20 newsreel studio. = Journalists are=20 gathered around a table. = Light=20 pours in from vents so that hardly anyone or anything is wholly visible, = except,=20 at best, in silhouette. = There is=20 much anonymous coughing and clearing of throats. (Probably all that=20 smoking.)]

Faceless = Journalist=20 1: =20 Well, that=92s it. = How=92d you=20 like it boys?

Faceless = Editor: = Well,=20 87 years in a man=92s life.

Faceless = Journalist=20 2: =20 That=92s a lot to try and get into a = newsreel.

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 It=92s good, sir, but what it needs is an end. All we saw on that screen was = that=20 Charles Foster Kane is dead. = I know=20 that. I read the = papers. You see, guys. It isn=92t enough to tell us = what a man=20 did. You=92ve got to tell = us who he=20 was=85 Say. Wait a minute! What were Kane=92s last = words? Remember = boys?

FJ 4: &nbs= p; =20 =93The End=94?

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 =93Reports of my wealth have been much = exaggerated=94?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 =93Hold the front page!=94?

FJ 7: &nbs= p; =20 =93I wish I=92d bought more statues=94?

FJ 8: &nbs= p; =20 =93I started at the top and worked my way = down=94?

FJ 9: &nbs= p; =20 =93Can I have a cookie=94?

FJ3: &nbs= p; =20 No. Come on. Maybe he told us all about = himself on=20 his deathbed.

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 Yeah. Maybe he=20 didn=92t=85

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 All we saw on that screen was a big American! But how was he different from = Ford? Or = Hearst.

FJ4: &nbs= p; =20 Or Orson Welles.

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 Or George W Bush.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Who=85?

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 I tell you, Faceless Editor, a man=92s dying = words=85

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 What were they?

FJ 7: &nbs= p; =20 You don=92t read the papers?

[Laughter]

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 When Charles Foster Kane died, he said just one=20 word.

FJ 9: &nbs= p; =20 =93Rosebud!=94

[Derisive=20 shouting.]

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 Yes. = =93Rosebud!=94 Just that one word! But who is she? Here=92s a man that could have = been=20 president=85

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 Like George W...

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Like=20 who=85?

FJ3: &nbs= p; =20 =85He was loved and hated, and as talked about as any man in our = time. But when he comes to dying, = he=92s got=20 something on his mind called =93Rosebud=94.

FJ 4: &nbs= p; =20 Now, what does that mean?

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 A racehorse he bet on, once.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Yeah. It didn=92t = come=20 in.

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 Alright. But what = was the=20 race? Faceless = Editor. Hold this picture up a = week. =20 Two weeks if you have to. = Find out about =93Rosebud!=94 =20 Get in touch with everybody that ever knew him well. That manager of his=85er=85 = Bernstein. His second wife. She=92s still=20 living.

FJ 5: &nbs= p; =20 Susan Alexander Kane.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 She=92s running a night-club in Atlantic = City.

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 See =91em all! Get = in touch=20 with everybody that ever worked for him. =20 Whoever loved him. = Whoever=20 hated his guts.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 I=92ll get on it right away Faceless Journalist = 3.

FJ 3: &nbs= p; =20 Good. = Rosebud. Dead or alive. It=92ll probably turn out to = be a very=20 simple thing.

So there you = have the=20 plot in a nutshell. Or a = rosebud,=20 then. The Faceless = Journalists, led=20 by Faceless Journalist 6, chase around trying to find out who Charles = Foster=20 Kane was, and who, or what, was =93Rosebud=94? =20 This is a biopic, before biopics were invented. Many believed that the = real=20 inspiration was the newspaper magnate, William Randolph Hearst. It has been suggested that = =93Rosebud=94 was=20 Hearst=92s pet-name for his lover=92s clitoris. This seems unlikely, as most = men of that=20 era =96 especially those who already professed to know everything about = everything=20 =96 had never heard of the beast.

We see early = scenes of=20 Kane as a child. He=92s = just=20 inherited a huge fortune from the improbable turn-around of a supposedly = washed-up diamond mine. = He sledges=20 in the snow while his mother signs away his life to a committee of = bankers and=20 accountants. He=92s an = only child,=20 and he=92s obviously never heard that sledging in the snow as an only = child can be=20 a dangerous pursuit (see It=92s a Wonderful Life for=20 details).

He grows = up. He can=92t stand being = rich. He has the privilege of being = able to=20 take this stance from the point of view of knowing what it=92s like to = be very=20 rich indeed. He finds it=20 boring. But he thinks it = might be=20 fun to run a newspaper. = And he can=20 afford to run one which says what he thinks it should say, even if it = loses him=20 money, which, of course, it doesn=92t, because he=92s saying what = everbody wants to=20 read. =

Then he thinks = it might=20 be fun to be President. = He marries=20 the president=92s daughter. = A smart=20 move except that he becomes bored with her going on about the fact that = he likes=20 to criticise her father in his paper. =20 Then he gets bored with the fact she decides to be boring about = the fact=20 that he prefers the company of women who don=92t go on about the fact = that he=20 criticises their father in his paper. =20

Such a woman = becomes his=20 second wife. She has the = stand-out=20 qualification that she has no idea who he is. Therefore, he has no idea who = her father=20 is. Which means he = can=92t criticise=20 him in his newspaper. But = then=20 again, she is an opera singer who can=92t sing, while Kane is a culture = vulture=20 with no ear for music. He = leaves=20 that sort of thing to Jed Leland who we=92ll come to in a=20 minute.

Let=92s = catch-up with the=20 progress of Faceless Journalist 6=85

[Scene: Interior. Mr. Bernstein=92s office. A fire is burning in the = grate, and a=20 huge portrait of Charles Foster Kane peers down from the wall = behind. Faceless Journalist 6 has been = interviewing Charles Foster Kane=92s right-hand man, Mr=20 Bernstein.]

Bernstein: = You ought=20 to see Jed Leland. = =91Course, he and=20 Mr Kane didn=92t exactly see eye-to-eye. =20 You take the Second World War in Europe. Mr. Leland was right. That was Mr. Kane=92s = war. We really didn=92t have = anything to fight=20 about. But do you think = if it=20 hadn=92t been for that war of Mr. Kane=92s we=92d have the British so = exactly where we=20 want them to be? Ah, I = wish I knew=20 where Mr. Leland was. = Maybe he=92s=20 dead.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 In case you=92d like to know, Mr. Bernstein, he=92s at the = Huntingdon=20 Memorial Hospital on 180^th Street.

Bernstein: = Why, you=20 don=92t say? I had no=20 idea.

[Scene: Exterior. Rooftop promenade. Huntingdon Memorial = Hospital. 180^th Street. New York. Jed Leland, now an old man, = sits in a=20 wicker chair talking to Faceless Journalist 6.]

Leland: =20 I can remember absolutely everything, young man. That=92s my curse. That=92s one of the greatest = curses ever=20 inflicted on the human race. =20 Memory. What was = that you=20 asked me, again?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Mr. Leland, you were going to say something about = =93Rosebud=94...

Leland: =20 I was his oldest friend and as far as I was concerned, he behaved = like a=20 swine. Not that Harry was = ever=20 brutal, he just did brutal things. =20 Maybe I wasn=92t his friend, but if I wasn=92t, he never had = one. Do you have a cigar?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 No, I=92m afraid I haven=92t=85

Leland: =20 The trouble all started when he went to Europe. For the second time. The War was over, and he=92d = been there=20 for a while. He was = looking for=20 some old statues that still had arms on. =20 And The Third Man. = Or do I=20 mean a third wife? = That=92s when he=20 cabled me and asked me to come on over. =20 Wanted me to meet him in Vienna. =20 British Sector.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Vienna?

Leland: =20 Said he had a job for me. = Wanted me to be the drama critic on a new Austrian paper he=92d = just=20 acquired. I got a shock = when I=20 landed, though. Seems old = Charlie=92d=20 just been killed in an accident. = But something about it didn=92t add up. So I started making some = enquiries of my=20 own. That was when I came = across a=20 Brit Major named Calloway. = He told=20 me stuff I didn=92t want to hear, about Charlie having bought a = tabloid. =93Die Sport am = Sonntag=94. Told me he=92d been making-up=20 news-stories. Lies front = page and=20 back. He=92d been making = a fortune at=20 the expense of celebrities less-worldly than himself. Well, as you can imagine, I = couldn=92t=20 easily take that about old Charlie. =20

But then I = looked out of a=20 window, and saw someone familiar standing in a doorway. I wouldn=92t have seen him at = all, except=20 for the shaft of light that fell on his face. You know. The sort of thing you get in = Orson=20 Welles=92 movies. Two = shafts of=20 light. One on his face, = and the=20 other on his shoes. I = remember=20 those shoes. So well = polished. Not the sort of thing you=92d = see too=20 often in Vienna just after the war. =20 What with all that running around in sewers and all, just to get = from one=20 sector to another. And = then there=20 was the cat. Nuzzling up against him. =20 Just like it knew him. = He=20 kicked the cat away. = Charlie never=20 did like cats.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 So Kane has been dead before, you say? And now he=92s dead = again. [Thinking] No. =20 Faceless Editor won=92t be interested in that. He knows that. He reads the papers. He told me. I gotta tell him who he = was=85 Didn=92t Kane ever mention = anyone, or=20 anything called =93Rosebud=94?

Leland: =20 Well, I=92ll come to that. You=20 see, by now, I knew just who it was who thought he was dead, and just = who it was=20 who knew he was alive. = I=92d even met=20 Charlie=92s new girlfriend, Anna. She=20 played the zither. She = scraped and=20 scratched a bit, but she=92d told me how Charlie had promised to make = her the lead=20 zither in the Vienna Philharmonic. =20 It appears there was no zither-player in the Vienna = Philharmonic. Not much call for one. Apparently the only pieces of = zither=20 music anyone=92s ever heard are The Third Man and Never on a=20 Sunday. Ever heard of = them?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Can=92t say I have. = [Then,=20 desperately] = =93Rosebud=94?

Leland: =20 Me neither. = Anyway, Charlie=20 told her he=92d pay them to write her a part. Well, here=92s the thing. Calloway had wanted to put = pressure on=20 Charlie, so he=92d had the girl locked-up for busking without a = licence. She=92d had a licence alright, = but it=20 turned out to be a forgery. = Seems=20 she was only allowed to busk in the Russian zone. Anyhow, to cut a long story = short, I=20 arranged to meet Charlie at the Prater Wheel in the State Fair. That was a Ferris Wheel, you = know? It=92s like one of those big = wheels you=20 get at funfairs, only with cabins, instead of seats, so that you can = stand-up in=20 them, look out over the city, and throw people out now and then. Well, sure enough, he = turned-up. We had quite a conversation on = that=20 Ferris Wheel I can tell you=85

[Flashback to: Scene: Exterior. The Prater Wheel, in the State = Fair in=20 Vienna. 1947. It is deserted. No-one is having any fun in = Vienna at=20 this time. Especially not = with=20 Harry =96 Ooops, Charlie Kane, around. =20 Leland waits for Charlie to arrive, which he duly does, to the = irritating=20 soundtrack of Anton Karas.]

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Hello, old friend! = How are=20 you?

Leland: =20 Hello, Charlie. I = wanna talk=20 to you.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Talk to me? Of = course. Come on.

[They buy tickets for the wheel.]

Kids use to = ride this thing=20 a lot in the old days, but they haven=92t the money, now, poor = devils. I have it all.

[They=20 enter one of the cabins on the Ferris Wheel.]

Leland: =20 Listen, Charlie. I = didn=92t=20 believe=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 It=92s good to see you, Jed.

Leland: =20 Was that your funeral?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 It was pretty smart, wasn=92t it? [Grimaces.] Made the front page of all the = papers. What did that = Mark Twain=20 say, when it happened to him? =20 =93Reports of my death have been much exaggerated.=94 That=92ll look so good, when = we get around=20 to printing it next week.

Leland: =20 You know what=92s happened to your girl?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Hmm.

Leland: =20 She=92s been arrested.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Tough=85 Tough=85 = But don=92t=20 worry, Old Man. They = won=92t hurt=20 her. Well. Not so long as they keep that=20 guitar-thing away from her=85

Leland: =20 They=92re handing her over to the Russians.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 What can I do, Old Man? = I=92m=20 dead, aren=92t I?

Leland: =20 You can help somehow=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Jedediah=85 = [Advancing and=20 fingering Leland=92s lapel.] =20 Exactly=85 Whom = did you tell=20 about me, huh?

Leland: =20 I told the police=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Hm=85

Leland: =20 =85 and the paparazzi=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Unwise, Jed=85

Leland: =20 =85and Anna.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Unwise. = [Pause] Did the=85 er=85 paparazzi = believe you?

Leland: =20 You don=92t care anything at all about Anna, do you?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 [Laughing ironically] = I=92m a=20 newspaper man, Jed. What = do you=20 think? Besides, I=92ve = got quite a=20 lot on my mind=85

Leland: =20 You wouldn=92t do anything=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 What do you want me to do? =20 Be reasonable=85

Leland: =20 =85or get somebody-else to=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 What do you expect me to do? =20 Have I set back the sacred cause of zither-music. Is that it? The Brits have made their = choice. Obviously they don=92t like = it.

Leland: =20 Why not?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 How should I know? = It was=20 probably the Caf=E9 Mozart Waltz. I=20 said that was a pluck too far=85

Leland: =20 No. Why won=92t = you lift a=20 finger to help her?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Perhaps it=92s because she keeps lifting too many fingers to help = herself. Look, Jed. What do you want me to = do? It=92s a far far better = thing that I=20 do, with the old limelight. = The=85=20 fall of the curtain. Oh,=20 Jed. You and I aren=92t = heroes. The World doesn=92t make any = heroes. And besides, I don=92t like=20 zither-music=85

Leland: =20 You could wear earplugs=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 She=92s got to be so careful. =20 She=92s only safe in the Russian zone. She=92s a fool to have got = that thing out=20 in the British Sector.

Leland: =20 How did they find out where Anna was going to play. You told them, didn=92t = you?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Don=92t try to be a policeman, Old Man.

Leland: =20 What do you expect me to be. =20 Part of your=85

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 You can have any part you want, as long as you don=92t sing or = play an=20 instrument. I=92ve had = enough of=20 musicians. I keep ending-up looking stupid=85 [Changing to an ominous = tone.] Old Man. You never should have told the = paparazzi, you know. You = oughta=20 leave this thing alone.

Leland: =20 Have you ever seen any of the victims of your new paper=92s = scurrilous=20 lies?

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Victims. You=92re = being=20 melodramatic. Those who = live by=20 publicity, die by publicity.

[The cabin nears the top of the = wheel. Kane opens the door.]

Look down = there. Would you really feel any pity = if one of=20 those=85 dots=85 was suddenly famous, and then stopped being famous the = next=20 day? If I offered you = =A320,000 for=20 every dot that you could do that to, would you really, Old Man, tell me = to keep=20 my money, or would you=85 = calculate=20 how many dots you could afford to spend? =20 Free of Income Tax. = Free of=20 Income Tax.

Leland: =20 They=92re working people, Charlie. =20 You used to write an awful lot about the working=20 man.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 I=92m a tabloid editor, now, Jed. =20 A tabloid editor. = The=20 working man pays good money for gossip and tittle-tattle about the idle=20 rich. There=92s only you, = Jed. Only you, who=92s still around = to remind=20 me of that Declaration of Principles we first put on the front page of = the=20 Inquirer.

Leland: =20 [Taking a firm grip on the frame of the open door.] I should be pretty easy to get = rid=20 of.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 [Nodding] Pretty = easy=85 It would make a good = headline.

Leland: =20 [Striking] = They=92ve dug up=20 your coffin.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 [Unsettled] And = found=85? Hmm=85 Pity. [Laughing, and closing the = door,=20 again.] Oh, Jed! What fools we are talking to = each other=20 this way. As = though=85 We newspaper men. We don=92t think in terms = of=85 human=20 beings. Governments = don=92t. Why should we? They talk about the People, = and the=20 Proletariat. I talk about = the=20 punters and circulation. = It=92s the=20 same thing.

Leland: =20 You used to believe in God.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Oh, I still do believe in God, Old Man. God and=85

[Kane=20 draws something with his finger on the steamed-up window, and adds some=20 lettering.]

=85and Charles = Foster=20 Kane. But readers are = just happy=20 being readers, Jed. They = don=92t care=20 about truth. They just = want=20 escape=85

[The=20 camera scans the window showing a heart, with an arrow through it, and = the word=20 =93Rosebud=94.]

=85What do you = believe=20 in? Oh, and if we ever = get Anna out=20 of this mess, be kind to her. =20 [Opening the door. = The Cabin=20 has reached the ground again.] = But=20 hide her zither.

[They=20 step back out onto Terra Firma]

Jed. I=92d like to cut you in, Old = Man. There=92s nobody left in = Vienna who=20 believes a word I say anymore, and we=92ve always done everything = together. When you make up your mind = send me a=20 message. I=92ll meet you = any place,=20 any time, and when we do meet, Old Man, it=92s you I want to see. Not the paparazzi. Remember that, won=92t = you? And don=92t be so gloomy. After all, it=92s not that = awful. You know what the fellow = said. In Italy, for thirty years = under the=20 Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, but they produced=20 Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had = brotherly=20 love. They had 500 years = of=20 democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo-clock. So long, Jed!

[Cut back = to: Scene: Exterior. Rooftop promenade. Huntingdon Memorial = Hospital. 180^th Street. New York. Jed Leland is finishing = telling Faceless=20 Journalist 6 about his Ferris Wheel flashback.]

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Everybody knows that story, Mr Leland, especially the quote about = the=20 cuckoo-clock, but why did he do it?

Leland: =20 Well, I guess he needed the money.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 No. I mean why did = he=20 compromise his principles to own a tabloid? How could a man write for = something like=20 that?

Leland: =20 You just don=92t know Charlie. =20 He thought that by buying up a tabloid he could show me that = there were=20 no limits to the depths he could sink. =20 He was always trying to prove something. Take that story about Anna = being a=20 zither-player. That was = trying to=20 prove something. Perhaps = that he=20 was tone-deaf. You know = what the=20 headline was, the week after I left? =20 =93Dead Tabloid Editor Found Busking in Russian Zone with quote, Zither-Player, unquote.=93

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 But from what you say, you don=92t know anything that might lead = me to=20 suppose that you have the slightest idea who, or what was=20 =93Rosebud=94?

Leland: =20 =93Rosebud=94? Oh, = his dying=20 words. = =93Rosebud=94. Yeah, I saw that in the=20 Inquirer. Well I = never=20 believed anything I saw in the Inquirer. Why don=92t you go and ask = that=20 opera-singing second wife of his=85?

[Scene: Exterior. A poster of a blonde = night-club singer=20 who has seen better days (A lot better days. Well, she was married to = Charles Foster=20 Kane wasn=92t she?) = subsides below a=20 neon sign which reads =93Floor show: =20 Susan Alexander Kane. = Twice=20 Nightly=94, on the roof of the El Rancho road-house. In typical Wellesian fashion, = we enter=20 the scene via the drain-pipe, the gutter, the roof-tiles, and finally = the=20 skylight, to find Susan drinking in her cups, offering to sing to = Faceless=20 Journalist 6.]

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 I=92d rather you just talked. =20 Anything that comes into your mind, about yourself and Mr Kane, = and=85 Oh,=20 about =93Rosebud=94=85

Susan: =20 =93Rosebud=94? = Sure. I can tell you about = =93Rosebud=94. Why, I remember when I first = met Mr=20 Charlie Kane. I had a=20 toothache. I was coming = out of the=20 drug-store, which was next to my apartment block. He was standing by a = puddle. A carriage had just run right = through=20 it, and covered him all in mud. = I=20 offered to let him come upstairs to get some hot water. I was a bit=85 well, you = know=85 to begin=20 with. I had no idea who = he=20 was. But he warmed to me = after a=20 while=85 Then he told me = what he=92d=20 been about to do, before he got covered in mud and all=85

[Flashback to: Scene: Interior. Susan=92s apartment. Susan and Kane are sitting on = the=20 sofa. It is one of the = few items of=20 furniture in her simple room.]

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 You really don=92t know who I am?

Susan: =20 You told me your name, Mr Kane, but I=92m awful ignorant, but I = guess you=20 caught on to that. I bet = it turns=20 out I=92ve heard your name a million times.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 And you really like me though, even though you don=92t know who I = am?

Susan: =20 Oh, I surely do. = You=92ve been=20 wonderful. Well, gee, = without you,=20 I don=92t know what I=92d have done. I=20 had a toothache, and I don=92t know many people.

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 I know too many people. = I=20 guess we=92re both lonely. = Hey, you=20 want to know what I was going to do tonight before I ruined my best = Sunday=20 clothes? I was on my way = to the=20 Western Manhattan Warehouse, in search of my youth. You see. My mother died, a = long time=20 ago, and her things were put into storage out West, and there wasn=92t = any other=20 place to put them. = Thought I=92d send=20 for them, now, and tonight I was going to take a look at them. You know. A sort of sentimental = journey. It used to snow a lot where I = come from,=20 and when I was a child I had a sledge. =20 I adored that sledge. = I had=20 so many good times on it. = Up and=20 down. Up and down. It had the most beautiful = runners, and=20 across it=92s top it had a name, and that name was =93Rosebud=94. It was only a child=92s toy, = but it=20 reminds me of a time when life was simple. =20 Before I owned half the World. =20 Before I was known by half the World=85 I run a couple of = newspapers. What do you do=85?

[Cut back=20 to: Scene: Interior. The El Rancho road-house. Down-town nowhere. Susan Alexander Kane is still = drinking=20 in her cups, talking to Faceless Journalist 6.]

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 =85 No. Please = don=92t=20 sing. I=92d still rather = you just=20 talked. So. You=92re telling me that = =93Rosebud=94 was the=20 name of the sledge he had when he was a child, before he became = rich?

Susan: =20 That=92s right.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Well, I reckon you=92ve just earned all the money Faceless = Editor=92s=20 prepared to pay for a story like that. =20 Always assuming he=92s impressed by this anticlamactic end to his = search=85

Susan: =20 So, you=92re going down to Xanadu? =20

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Yeah, on Monday with some of the other Faceless Journalists from = the=20 office. Faceless Editor = wants the=20 whole place photographed. = All that=20 art stuff. We run a = picture=20 magazine, you know.

Susan: =20 Yeah, I know. = Well, if=20 you=92re smart, you=92ll get in touch with Raymond. He=92s the butler. You=92ll learn a lot from = him. He knows where all the statues = are=20 stacked=85

[Scene: Exterior. Raymond, Mr Kane=92s butler = stands in the=20 shadows at the top of a huge staircase in Xanadu. He lights a cigarette, but for = which, he=20 would be as faceless as Faceless Journalist 6, to whom he=92s=20 talking.]

Raymond: = [In an=20 indeterminate foreign accent, probably put on to make him seem more=20 exotic.] = =93Rosebud=94? I tell you about = =93Rosebud=94. How much is it worth to = you? A thousand dollars? [He turns and begins = descending the=20 stairs.]

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 OK.

Raymond: = Well, I=20 tell you, Faceless Jounalist No. 6. =20 He acted kind of funny sometimes, you know?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 No, I didn=92t

Raymond: = Yes. He did crazy things = sometimes. I=92ve been working for him 11 = years,=20 now. In charge of the = whole=20 place. So I ought to = know. Like the time his wife=20 left=85

[Flashback to: Scene: Interior. Susan=92s bedroom in Kane=92s = Xanadu estate,=20 after Susan has left. = Kane loses=20 it, and wrecks everything in her room. =20 Finally he picks-up the glass snow-dome, which has, somehow, = survived the=20 cataclysm. He stares down = at the=20 snowflakes as they fall all over the tiny Swiss cottage it=20 contains.]

Kane: &nbs= p; =20 Rosebud.

[A tear comes = to his=20 Botox-laden eye. The = entire=20 house-staff have assembled to watch the spectacle. Raymond walks towards = Kane. No-one speaks. Kane walks out of the room, = through the=20 crowd and down the corridor. = He=20 passes a pair of mirrors, and we see an infinity of upset Charles Foster = Kanes=20 walking out of the picture. =20 Literally.]

[Fast forward = to: Scene: Interior (although one that could have = housed the=20 airship R100). A = warehouse on the=20 Xanadu estate. The = butler, Raymond,=20 the Faceless Journalists, and some equally Faceless Accountants are = taking a=20 tour of Kane=92s legacy.]

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 [To Raymond] So = that=92s=20 it? That=92s your = story? That=92s what you think is = worth a=20 thousand bucks? You must = think=20 Faceless Editor=92s made of money=85

Raymond: = Well, how=20 much do you think all this is worth, Faceless Journalist=20 6?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Millions=85 If = anybody wants=20 it.

Raymond: = At least he=20 brought all this stuff to America.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 What=92s that?

FJ 7: &nbs= p; =20 Another Venus. = 25,000=20 bucks. =

FJ 8: &nbs= p; =20 That=92s a lot of money to pay for a dame without a=20 head.

Raymond: = The banks=20 are out of luck then, huh?

Faceless = Accountant=20 1: =20 Sub-prime mortgages. = Credit=20 crunch. Nothing we = can=92t=20 handle.

FJ 7: &nbs= p; =20 He never threw anything away.

FA 2: &nbs= p; =20 One stove from the estate of Mary Kane, Little Salem, = Colorado. Value = $2.

FA 1: &nbs= p; =20 We=92re supposed to get everything. =20 The junk as well as the art.

FJ 9: &nbs= p; =20 He sure liked to collect things, didn=92t = he.

FJ 10: &nbs= p;=20 Anything and everything.

Raymond: A = regular=20 crow, huh?

FA 2: &nbs= p; =20 Hey, look. A = jigsaw=20 puzzle.

FJ 11: &nbs= p;=20 We got a lot of those. =20 Kane=92s second wife loved them.

FJ 12: &nbs= p;=20 A Burmese temple, and three Spanish ceilings, down the=20 hall.

FA 2: &nbs= p; =20 Yeah. All in=20 crates.

FJ 7: &nbs= p; =20 I wonder. You put = all this=20 stuff together. Palaces, = paintings,=20 toys and everything=85 = What would it=20 spell?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Charles Foster Kane?

FJ 8: &nbs= p; =20 Or =93Rosebud=94? = How about it=20 Faceless Journalist 6?

[General = laughter among=20 the Faceless Journalists.]

FA 2: &nbs= p; =20 What=92s =93Rosebud=94?

FJ 9: &nbs= p; =20 That=92s what he said when he died. =20 Did you ever find out what it means?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Yeah, I did.

FJ 8: &nbs= p; =20 You did?

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 [Picking up an unfinished jigsaw puzzle.] Yeah.

FA 2: &nbs= p; =20 If you=92ve found out about =93Rosebud=94 I bet that explains = everything,=20 then.

FJ 6: &nbs= p; =20 Sure does. Mr Kane = was a man=20 who got everything he wanted, and then lost it. Except for one thing. He wanted to be World Bobsled=20 Champion. =93Rosebud=94 = was his=20 favourite sledge. It represents frustrated ambition. That one word explains a = man=92s whole=20 life. It=92s the last = piece in the=20 jigsaw puzzle.

[Faceless = Journalist 6=20 tries forcing the last piece into a patch of blue-sky in the puzzle = he=92s=20 carrying. It won=92t = fit. He puts down the puzzle.]

The last missing piece. [Pauses. Puts on his coat.] Well=85 Come on everybody. We=92ll miss the = train.

[The camera zooms out, and pans = the=20 almost never-ending sea of armless, headless statues, antiques, junk, = and=20 packing-cases, opened and unopened, in the warehouse. Finally we home in on an = object that a=20 warehouse-man is picking-up. = Other=20 warehouse-men are hurling things into a furnace.]

Faceless = Warehouse-Man=20 2: =20 Throw that junk in!

[Faceless Warehouse-Man 1 = tosses the=20 object onto the flames. = The camera=20 follows it into the fire. = Slowly we=20 make out its shape, its form. = It is=20 like a small wooden house. = Like a=20 Swiss cottage. A larger = version of=20 the one in the snow-dome. = But there=20 is the face of a clock on its front. =20 Clearly visible in the centre of the dial, is the word = =93Swiss=94. Over the dial, as the heat = blisters the=20 paint, we can just make out the words =93Rosebud Antiques=94. Suddenly, a tiny door opens, = and out=20 shoots a bird on a spring.]

Bird: &nbs= p; =20 =93Cuckoo=85! =20 Cuckoo=85!=94

[The=20 End. = Again.]

Return=20 to the Countdown

The Far Far Better Ending to which = Orson=20 Welles intends to treat Joseph Cotten in The Third Man belongs, of = course, in=20 Dickens=92 Tale of Two Cities. = But we=20 can hardly leave, until the bitter end, the chance to consider such a = better=20 end, when there might be still better endings to come (if you get my=20 meaning).

A=20 Tale of Two Cities (1958)

[PG =96=20 Includes an atmosphere of menace, accompanied by elements of extreme=20 farce]

It was the best of films. It was the worst of = films. Dickens=92 famous tale of the = French=20 Revolution has that rare ingredient; equally famous first and last = lines. But perhaps we have Ronald = Colman to=20 thank for that. And = out of=20 respect for Mr. Colman, this adaptation is tacked-on to the tackier, but = probably more familiar 1958 Dirk Bogarde version, largely because the = wife loves=20 The Dirk.

It is Dickens and yet it is not = Dickens. There are no silly names to = contend with=20 =96 unless you count the villain Barsad, whose name seems far too close = to Bastard=20 for comfort. There are no = mewling=20 poverty-stricken children asking for more all the time, and the context = is not=20 his own time, but a time 60 years before him; it is a historical = novel. And yet it must be Dickens, = because the=20 plot relies on more coincidences than a Shakespeare comedy.

And what is it, exactly, that Dickens has = against the=20 law? It is not just that = =93the law=20 is a ass!=94, as Mr. Micawber famously says. =20 Every legal scene, and every legal character in Dickens is of a = lower=20 moral standing than the lowest standing worm-like lawyer in today=92s = haven for=20 lawyers, the modern U.S.A. = And so=20 Sydney Carton [The Dirk], here, is cast as a cynical wastrel for whom = the law is=20 just an excuse to sit on his backside all day, and drink all night. His one redeeming feature is = (first=20 coincidence) that he looks like Charles Darnay.

And who is Darnay? Darnay is a French aristocrat = who has=20 changed his name, and already emigrated to England. He is not, strictly, what the = French=20 Revolutionaries will come to term an =E9migr=E9, because he left = long before=20 the storm broke. In = contrast to=20 Carton, we see him as a hero, because he has turned his back on his set, = out of=20 shame for its abuses of the peasantry. =20 His problem is that his evil cousin the Marquis de St. Evremonde = [the=20 always vampiric Christopher Lee] isn=92t prepared to allow him to let = down his=20 class quite that easily. = He sends=20 his henchman B=92Stard [the unpleasant Donald Pleasance] to England to = fit him up=20 for a charge of espionage. = And so=20 his path crosses that of Carton, who is a member of his legal defence = team. Carton gets Darnay off when he = proves=20 that an eye-witness can=92t tell him and Darnay apart. (This is laying on the = resemblance a bit=20 thick for the final scene. = Anyone=20 would think this was The Man in the Iron Mask.) It also helps that no-one is = ever going=20 to believe Donald Pleasance, anyway, and that the prosecuting lawyer is = a young=20 Horace Rumpole. (We all = know that=20 Horace prefers to act for the defence.) =20

What motivates the lazy Carton to even get = out of bed=20 for Darnay? Well, simply = the fact=20 that he has already fallen in love with Lucie Manette, who he met, by = chance, at=20 a wayside inn while travelling to Dover. =20 Lucie Manette? = Here Dickens=92=20 coincidences start piling-up. = Lucie=20 has already fallen in love with Darnay on the same journey (second=20 coincidence). Lucie is = the daughter=20 of an English woman and a French doctor. =20 This doctor, Dr. Manette was responsible for the care of peasants = on the=20 evil Marquis de St. Evremonde=92s estate (third coincidence). Was, that is, until the = Evil,=20 Blood-sucking One exercised his Droits de Seigneur over a peasant = family,=20 who unwisely tried to exercise the own Droits de not so = Seigneur. It turned-out, of course, that = they=20 didn=92t have any. So = Dracula killed=20 the Father and Mother, raped and killed the eldest daughter, and = skewered her=20 brother. Good Dr. Manette = cared for=20 the dying brother and rescued the younger sister, a crime for which the = Count=20 had him thrown into the Bastille. =20 This all happened some 18 years previously.

Now it is the eve of the Revolution, and = the good=20 doctor has been restored to his family in London, just in time to give = his=20 blessing to his daughter=92s engagement to Darnay. But not before Carton, knowing = that she=20 loves another who looks exactly like him (have you got that, yet?), but = who=20 isn=92t a nasty, stinking, good-for-nothing lawyer, manages to declare = his love to=20 Lucie, telling her that she may be too good for him, but =93Anything = ever I=20 could do for you=85know that I would do it.=94 This does not scan as = well as that=20 other famous Dickens line =93I=92d do anything, for you, dear. Anything=85=94 but expresses = broadly the=20 same sentiment.

Unfortunately (fourth coincidence), the = girl Dr=20 Manette saved from being Dracula=92s Bride all those years ago, = and for=20 whose sake he was incarcerated, has grown-up, become the XXL-sized=20 cardigan-knitting Madame DeFarge [Rosalie Crutchley], and cultivated an=20 XXXL-sized grudge for anyone named Evremonde. A grudge so huge, in fact, = that it is=20 she alone who storms the Bastille. =20 Whilst there (fifth coincidence), she happens to come across a = hit-list=20 that her one-time saviour, the poor Dr. Manette, compiled when he had = nothing=20 better to do but grow bitter. = This=20 list contains the names of every Evremonde who ever lived, or will live, = even if=20 they happen to have renounced evil, have emigrated to England, have = changed=20 their name to Darnay, and happen to have married his own daughter.

Not surprisingly (sixth coincidence), the = storm in=20 Paris takes the evil Marquis as one of its first victims. (A deluded vampire-hunter puts = a stake=20 through his heart in the middle of the night.) There can=92t be many men, = who, while on=20 honeymoon, come into a title that their new father-in-law has long since = declared that he wished to see wiped off the face of the Earth. Feeling a duty to his new = estate,=20 Charles sets off for France in a vain attempt to stop his servants from = being=20 hung from lamp-posts. He = is, of=20 course, immediately arrested.

Lucie and her father, together with Carton, = rush to=20 Paris to speak-up for him, before the tribunal. Dr Manette tells the judge = that his new=20 son-in-law is not an =E9migr=E9, had left France long before the = Revolution, and,=20 anyway, no longer condones the raping, killing and starving of peasants, = even=20 for sport. Especially not = for=20 sport! Oh, damn it! Unfortunately, he reckons = without his=20 own hit-list, which Madame DeFarge now, gleefully, reads out to the = court. Seeing things going against = them, Carton=20 spots the still-unpleasant Donald Pleasance in the crowd (seventh = coincidence),=20 despite the fact that he=92s supposed to be dead (don=92t ask). At one-time in the pay of the = worst that=20 the French Aristocracy had to offer, the newly converted Citizen = B=92Stard=20 has switched sides, and only Carton knows it. And only Carton, remember, = looks so much=20 like Darnay. =

Or does he? =20 We shall see=85

Blackmailing B=92Stard to help him get into = the prison=20 where Darnay is awaiting his execution, Carton sees a way of proving his = love to=20 Lucie, and of redeeming his horrible, wasted, worthless, worm-like, = parasitic,=20 syphillitic, lawyer=92s soul.

[Scene: Interior. La Force Prison. Bastille-style. Not the Bastille, though, = because=20 they=92ve already torn it down to build an opera-house. Eventually. This is 1790, and they are = chopping=20 people=92s heads off in the Place de la Concorde. Or, at least, they would be, = if this=20 were 1792. Looks like = Dickens has=20 applied a bit of artistic licence to his history. There are bars in the windows = behind, as=20 Charles Darnay, wearing only his chemise, sits at a table penning his = last=20 testimony by the light of a single candle. =20 He hears something, looks up, rises and walks to the door. He looks through the = hatch. Outside, the guard slams the = grille in=20 his face, and chalks the number 23 on the door. The guard then turns, and = finds himself=20 facing B=92Stard and Sydney Carton. =20 Carton, dressed in a full travelling frock-coat and hat, has his = face=20 hidden behind his coat collar, and, for good measure, buried in = B=92Stard=92s=20 shoulder. You wonder at = this extra=20 precaution, since I think it=92s been mentioned one or two times already = that he=20 is a dead-ringer =96 unfortunate phrase, that =96 for = Darnay.]

Guard: =20 What do you want? = Who=92s=20 this?

B=92Stard: =20 He=92s a friend of=85 =20 Evremonde. He=92s=20 English.

Guard: =20 [Consulting his list] =20 Evremonde=85

Carton: =20 [Mumbling] Poor = old=20 Evremonde=85

B=92Stard: =20 He=92s got permission to say goodbye to = him.

Guard: =20 Looks as if he=92s been making a night of = it.

B=92Stard: =20 The English you know. = Always=20 got to be having one more pour = la=20 route.

[The guard turns and unlocks = the=20 cell-door.]

B=92Stard: =20 [Under his breath, to Carton.] =20 Remember. A few = minutes,=20 only.

[Carton is = shoved through=20 the door, which clangs shut behind him. =20 He leans against the wall, and removes his hat.]

Darnay: =20 Carton!

Carton: =20 Of all people on Earth, you least expected to see=20 me.

Darnay: =20 I cannot believe it to be you. =20 You=92re not a prisoner?

Carton: =20 I=92m accidentally possessed of a power over one of your guards, = here.

[Carton strides purposefully across the = cell and=20 picks-up Darnay=92s coat.]

&nbs= p; =20 Darnay, I=92ve come from your wife. =20 You must do everything I ask, without question. Put on this coat.

Darnay: =20 Carton. There is = no escaping=20 from this place. It = can=92t be=20 done. You=92ll only die = with me. No, no! It=92s madness!

Carton: =20 It would be madness, if I asked you to escape with me, but do = I? If I ask you to pass that = door, tell me=20 that I=92m mad and refuse me.

Darnay: =20 Carton. Dear = Carton. Whatever you have in mind, I = implore you=20 not to add your death to mine.

Carton: =20 You must trust me. = [Turning=20 Darnay round to face the table.] = Take that pen. Sit = down. And write as I = dictate. [Darnay looks questioningly at = him.] Hurry, my = friend. Hurry. [Pause] Write exactly as I speak.

[Darnay writes as Carton withdraws into = the=20 background]

=93I knew it = was not in=20 your nature to forget the words which passed between us long ago.=94 = [As Carton speaks, he prepares, = unseen, a=20 kerchief soaked in ether.] =93I am=20 thankful, that the time has come when I may truly prove them.=94

Darnay: =20 [Smelling something, but not turning.] What vapour is that?

Carton: =20 Vapour? I am = conscious of=20 nothing. Write on. [Advancing slowly behind = Darnay] =93That I do is no subject = for regret=20 or grief.=94

[Carton=20 puts one hand on Darnay=92s shoulder. =20 Darnay turns, looking alarmed, but with the other hand, Carton = smother=92s=20 Darnay=92s face with the kerchief. =20 There is a short struggle, before Darnay slumps over the = table.]

&nbs= p; =20 Let there be no grief.

[Carton=20 proceeds to switch clothes with the unconscious Darnay. He sprinkles gin on Darnay=92s = collar. The door = opens. Carton, stripped down to his = own=20 chemise, slips back into the half-light. =20 Darnay, now wearing Carton=92s travelling coat and hat, is = slumped beneath=20 the window. B=92Stard = enters,=20 alone. The door closes = behind=20 him.]

Carton: =20 You see. Is your = hazard so=20 very great?

B=92Stard: =20 My hazard, Mr Carton, is whether you remain true to your = bargain.

Carton: =20 I shall remain true to it.

B=92Stard: =20 To the very end. = Can any man=20 keep to a bargain like that?

Carton: =20 Have no fear. I = shall soon=20 be out of harm=92s way. = And so,=20 please God, will they. My = coach is=20 still outside?

B=92Stard: =20 Yes. It was, a = minute=20 ago.

Carton: =20 Get some assistance. = Have=20 him taken to it. Hurry, = man. Hurry.

B=92Stard: =20 [Offering Carton his hand.] =20 Mr Carton=85

Carton: =20 [Refusing the offer.] = Tell=20 them to take him to Tellson=92s bank. =20 He has friends there.

B=92Stard: =20 [Turning, moved, but striding to the door, and banging on = it.] Hey, you there!

Carton: =20 [To Darnay, but rhetorically] =20 Goodbye, old Sydney.

[Carton=20 blows out the candle and seats himself at the table. The guard comes in, and = B=92Stard directs=20 him to the limp body of Darnay.]

B=92Stard: =20 The gentleman needs a bit more help this time.

Guard: =20 Out like a light. = I=92m not=20 surprised the load he had when he came in. =20 I wish I were rich enough to stink like this one.

[The door=20 closes, leaving Carton at the table to contemplate a far, far better = thing that=20 he is doing than he has ever done before, and the far far better rest to = which=20 he is going, than he has ever known.]

[Scene: Interior. La Force Prison. Bastille-style. Not the Bastille, though, = because=20 they=92ve torn it down to build an elephant. =20 Yes, I mean it. An = elephant,=20 large enough for people to walk in. =20 Live in, even. = Don=92t ask=20 why. It=92s still 1790, = and they=20 still oughtn=92t to be chopping people=92s heads off, but they are, = because this is=20 Dickens. Or is it = Hugo? Bars in the windows, Sydney = Carton, now=20 in chemise, sits at the table. = The=20 candle is out. He hears = something,=20 looks up, rises and walks to the door. =20 He looks through the hatch. =20 Outside, the guard slams the grille in his face, and chalks the = number 24=20 on the door. The guard = then turns,=20 and finds himself facing B=92Stard again, this time with another = man. His face is hidden, just as=20 before.]

Guard: =20 What do you want? = Who=92s=20 this?

B=92Stard: =20 He=92s another friend of=85 What=20 was he called? = Evremonde. Yes, Evremonde. He=92s French.

Guard: =20 [Consulting his list] =20 Evremonde=85

B=92Stard: =20 Oh, come on! It = was there=20 last time=85

Man: &nbs= p; =20 [Mumbling] = Pauvre=20 Evremonde=85

B=92Stard: =20 He=92s got permission to say adieu to = him.

Guard: =20 Looks as if he=92s been here before.

B=92Stard: =20 Une coincidence, mon ami. =20 Une coincidence.

[The guard = turns and=20 unlocks the cell-door.]

B=92Stard: =20 [Under his breath, to the man.] =20 Remember. = Quelques=20 minutes, only.

[The man is = shoved=20 through the door, it closes behind him] =20

Carton: =20 Who are you?

Man: &nbs= p; =20 I=92m Jean Valjean!

Carton: =20 You=92re a prisoner?

Valjean: =20 Not at the moment. =20

[Valjean strides manfully across the cell = and=20 picks-up Darnay=92s coat.]

&nbs= p; =20 Carton, I=92ve come from Darnay=92s wife. You must do everything I ask, = without=20 question. Put on this = coat.

Carton: =20 Valjean. There is = no=20 escaping from this place. = It can=92t=20 be done. You=92ll only = die with=20 me. It=92s madness!

Valjean: =20 It might be madness, if anyone could understand the next line, = so, since=20 I can=92t, you=92ll have to just trust me. =20 [Turning Carton round to face the table.] Take that pen. Sit down. And write as I dictate. [Carton looks knowingly at = him.] Vite, mon ami. Vite. [Pause] Write exactly as I speak.

[Carton writes as Valjean withdraws into = the=20 background]

=93Man was = born free, but=20 some men were born freer than others.=94

Carton: =20 Rousseau?

Valjean: =20 Orwell. = 1987. Or thereabouts. But never mind. [As he speaks, Valjean = prepares, unseen,=20 a kerchief soaked in ether.]

[Carton=20 smells the vapour, but does not turn. =20 There is a look in his eye. =20 Could that far, far better rest be in London, after all? Valjean advances slowly behind = Carton. He puts one hand = on=20 Carton=92s shoulder. = Carton feigns to=20 struggle as the kerchief is placed over his face. He slumps over the table. = Valjean=20 proceeds to switch clothes with the unconscious Carton. He sprinkles gin on Carton=92s = collar. The door = opens. Valjean, stripped down to his = own=20 chemise, slips back into the half-light. =20 Carton, now wearing Valjean=92s travelling coat and hat, is = slumped beneath=20 the window. B=92Stard = enters,=20 alone. The door closes = behind=20 him.]

Valjean: =20 You see. Is your = role in=20 this so very great?

B=92Stard: =20 It=92s a bit repetitive. = But=20 it pays well.

Valjean: =20 You shall have your money.

B=92Stard: =20 It=92s a bargain.

Valjean: =20 My coach is still outside?

B=92Stard: =20 There=92s a queue. = [Banging on=20 the door] Hey, you = there!

Valjean: =20 [To Carton, rhetorically] = Adieu, old Jean.

[Valjean=20 seats himself at the table. = The=20 guard comes in, and B=92Stard directs him to the limp body of = Carton.]

B=92Stard: =20 This gentleman is no better than the last one.

[The door=20 closes, leaving Valjean at the table to contemplate a far, far better = book that=20 he is now in than he was ever in before, and the far far better ending = he is=20 going to get, than he would have ever known.]

[Scene: Interior. La Force Prison. Bastille. Not the Bastille. Elephant. Opera-House. Still 1790. Still chopping people=92s = heads off,=20 though they shouldn=92t be. = Still=20 Dickens. Or is it = Hugo? Or is it the Baroness = Orczy? Bars in Windows. Jean Valjean, in chemise, sits = at the=20 table. The candle=92s lit = again. (It=92s a continuity = error.) He hears something, looks up, = rises,=20 walks over, looks through the hatch. =20 The grille is slammed in his face. =20 Outside, the guard is chalking 601 after the number 24 already on = the=20 door. He turns, and=20 finds=85]

[=85The door = opens. Valjean is seated back at the=20 table.]

Guard: =20 There=92s a woman to see you. =20 Says her name=92s Michelle.

Valjean: =20 Michelle? But I = don=92t=20 know=85

[The door = opens, and a=20 woman is shown through it. = It shuts=20 behind her. She appears = to be a=20 woman of the night who has seen better days. Better years, even. Better decades, perhaps. Before Valjean can say more, = she sweeps=20 off her enormous scarlet wig, and bows deep and = low.]

Valjean: =20 Who are you?

Woman: =20 [Surprised.] Who = are=20 you?

Valjean: =20 I=92m Jean Valjean.

Woman: =20 24601?

Valjean: =20 The same.

Woman: =20 Sir Percy Blakeney. = At your=20 service, sir. You = weren=92t expecting=20 me?

Valjean: =20 You, me, neither, it seems. =20 Non. I=92ve not the faintest idea = who you=20 are. You appear to be = some sort of=20 cross-dressing Francophile. = Are you=20 a prisoner, here?

Sir Percy: =20 =91dZooks! = Sir! No, Sir! And =93Francophile=94, = indeed! You see before you simply one = who is=20 possessed of a rather unequalled power of disguise. I am a loose woman of the = Republic, Sir,=20 only so that I may seduce your guard =96 not pleasant. These Frenchies smell so much = of garlic,=20 you know =96 seduce your guard and persuade him to let me in to see = you. Although I was expecting to = see Sydney=20 Carton.

Valjean: =20 I=92ve already rescued him.

Sir Percy: =20 [Mincing camply across = the cell,=20 and picking-up Darnay=92s coat. =20 (Don=92t ask why there is always a spare coat that nobody = uses. That=92s in the = original!) He throws it aside, = again.] So I see. So I see. Well we=92d better get on with = it,=20 then.

Valjean: =20 With what?

Sir Percy: = Well. Forget the madness bit. I don=92t get that any more = than you=20 do. Just get straight on = to the=20 writing. By the = table. I=92ll write, you = dictate. Or should that be =93you = write, I=92ll=20 dictate.=94 Probably.

[Valjean=20 sits at the table and writes as Sir Percy withdraws into the = background.]

=93It was = the best of=20 worlds, it was the worst of worlds.=94

Valjean: =20 Voltaire?

Sir Percy: =20 Dickens? No. You=92re right. Sorry. =93It was the best of = times, it was the=20 worst of times.=94 [As he speaks,=20 Sir Percy prepares, unseen, a kerchief soaked in ether.]

Valjean: =20 [Turning] = Look! Come on. We=92ve done this one twice = already. I=92m wise to it.

Sir Percy: =20 =91dZooks! It will = have to be=20 the dress then.

[Sir=20 Percy proceeds to switch clothes with Valjean. The door opens. Sir Percy, now in chemise, = slumps in the=20 half-light under the window. =20 Valjean, now wearing the most voluminous blue velvet dress, with = a=20 plunging neckline and the biggest false bust that 18^th = Century=20 technology could engineer, is brushing down his petticoats in the centre = of the=20 room. B=92Stard = enters,=20 alone. The door closes = behind=20 him.]

Valjean: =20 Good role?

B=92Stard: =20 At least I=92m not the one wearing the dress. Your coach is outside. It=92s the one at the back = with the huge=20 red flowers painted on it. = [Banging=20 on the door] Hey, you=20 there!

[Scene: Interior. La Force Prison. Bastille. Not Bastille. Elephant. Opera-House. 1790. Chopping people=92s heads = off. Dickens. Hugo. Orczy. Dumas, even. Bars. Windows. You=92ve read all this = before. Sir Percy Blakeney, in = chemise, sits at=20 the table. Candle=92s out = again. He hears something. A tap-tap-tapping. He looks down at the base of = the wall=20 from which the sound is coming. = He=20 walks over to the wall, and gets down on his = knees.]

Sir Percy: = Hello? Hello? Is there anybody=20 there?

[The tapping=20 stops.]

Hello? I say! Who=92s making all that = noise? Can=92t a man get some sleep = around=20 here?

Voice: &nbs= p;=20 Zir Percy? Zir = Percy=20 Blakeney? Ze man oo=92s = pimpernel est=20 rouge? It is I! Edmond Dantes! The Count of Monte Cristo!

Sir Percy: =20 =91dZooks! Now = there=92s an=20 ending I really don=92t = have time=20 for=85

[The End. Or it will be. = Eventually.]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Donald Unpleasance, of course, appears = again as Ernst=20 Blofeld in the Bond film You Only Live Twice. Charles Gray also appears in = You Only=20 Live Twice, as some chap called Henderson. You Only Live Twice = doesn=92t have=20 an unhappy ending. The = Bond film=20 that does have an unhappy ending is the next one, On Her Majesty=92s = Secret=20 Service. This time, = Telly=20 Savalas is Blofeld, and the unhappy ending is that George Lazenby is = still=20 alive, while Diana Rigg isn=92t. = And=20 George is ready to sign-up for Diamonds Are Forever. Thankfully, Sean Connery is = persuaded to=20 never say never again, while Charles Gray finds himself unexpectedly = promoted to=20 Blofeld. By this stage = one is left=20 wondering just who it was who only lived twice? Bond, Blofeld, or that third = chap called=20 Henderson.

(Trivia item: =20 two of Major Calloway=92s juniors in The Third Man get big = promotions from=20 their Viennese status as mere military policemen. In the Bond films, Bernard = Lee, who=20 played Calloway=92s Sergeant goes on to be M, of course, while the even = more=20 junior Jeffrey Keen gets promoted over Lee=92s head to Minister for=20 Defence.)

18,=20 17

On=20 Her Majesty=92s Secret Service (1969)

[PG =96=20 Includes gratuitous chocolate-eating]

A Bond film doesn=92t really need a = synopsis to make=20 any sense. All you really = need to=20 know is that this is the one in which the Big Fry=92s Man got to play = Bond, and=20 Emma Peel got to play Theresa Draco (although Bond prefers to call her = Tracy,=20 while her father prefers to call her Nicole). This is also the one in which = Bond gets=20 married. Oh, and = somewhere along=20 the way he=92s pissed-off Blofeld something = rotten.

[Scene: Exterior. Wedding party at a villa on = the=20 Riviera.]

Toastmaster:=20 Your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. The toast is the bride and = bridegroom,=20 Mr. And Mrs. James Bond.

[James and Mrs. = Bond cut=20 the cake together in front of an appreciative audience of assembled = colleagues,=20 dignitaries and the bride=92s relatives. (James Bond has never had any = relatives=20 that anyone has ever heard of.) =20 Their car is being decorated with garlands of=20 flowers.]

Q: &nbs= p; =20 Congratulations 007. = I must=20 confess that I=92ve sometimes thought you a = little=85

Mrs. Bond: =20 Irresponsible?

Q: &nbs= p; =20 Exactly. That=92s = exactly the=20 word. Thank you. What=92s your name,=20 again?

Mrs. Bond: Theresa. What=92s = yours?

Q: &nbs= p; =20 Q.

Mrs. Bond: Q? As in Scrabble? Worth 10 = points?

Q: &nbs= p; =20 The same. = Anyway. As I was saying. This time, my boy, I can=92t=20 complain.

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Nor can I.

Mrs. Bond=92s = Papa: = Nicole!

Mrs. Bond: Papa! I=92ve told you before. My name is=20 Theresa!

[Nicole (I mean, Theresa) goes off = with her=20 Papa.]

Q: &nbs= p; =20 Look James. I know = we=20 haven=92t always seen=85 = Well, anyway,=20 don=92t forget. If = there=92s anything=20 you ever need=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Thank you, Q. But = this time=20 I=92ve got all the gadgets, and I know how to use them.

[That was=20 what they call, in Bond-films, a one-liner. Useful, because Bond could = never=20 remember any two-liners.]

[Papa. Talking to Nicole. (I mean, Theresa.)]

Papa: &nbs= p; =20 Remember. Obey = your husband=20 in all things.

Mrs. Bond: Papa!

Papa: &nbs= p; =20 Nicole!

Mrs. Bond: = [Exasperated] Papa!

[Bond=20 smiles and waves =93Goodbye=94 to the weeping Miss Moneypenny. He throws her his hat, in the = usual=20 way. She catches it as if = it were a=20 bouquet. She cries even = more.]

Papa: &nbs= p; =20 Au revoir, James. = Au revoir,=20 Nicole.

[The=20 happy couple climb into the Aston Martin, and wave =93Goodbye=94 to the = guests, the=20 assembled colleagues, the dignitaries and the bride=92s relatives.]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Why does your Father keep calling you Nicole?

~~Nicole~~Theresa: =20 It=92s a long story=85

[Bond and=20 Mrs. Bond cruise up the winding Riviera road in their Renault Clio. The car is unusually = sluggish. (Even for a Renault = Clio.)]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 You know. I = haven=92t given=20 you a wedding present, yet.

Mrs. Bond: I had an idea = about=20 that. Three girls. Three boys. Pleased?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Mmm. Not bad for a = start. Although I was = thinking more=20 of the large case of chocolate I have in the back. Do you like Bounty bars?

[An=20 open-top sports-car overtakes them, it=92s occupants beeping and = cheering =93Say it with = flowers.=94]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 They=92ve got a point. = We do=20 look like an ad for a flower-shop.

Mrs. Bond: Are you sure = this car=20 doesn=92t go any faster?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 I knew I should have hired an Aston Martin.

[Bond=20 stops the car. Gets out. = Walks around the back and opens = the=20 boot. In the distance, a = Mercedes=20 is approaching. = Fast.]

Mrs. Bond: Anyway. You have given me a = present. The best I could have. A future.

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 [Walking around to her side of the car.] Mrs. Bond. Shut=85 [Sticking a piece of = Chocolate=20 Cream into her mouth] =85up! = And=20 don=92t eat it all at once.

Mrs. Bond: And all = because=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 =85the lady loves=85

[The=20 sound of bullets thudding into metal, as Blofeld, driving the Mercedes, = slows=20 down, and his henchwoman Irma Bunt opens fire from the back. The happy couple both duck, = and then=20 look-up, startled.]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Thank heaven for the stopping power of two hundredweight of = Turkish=20 Delight! That=92s = Blofeld. Let=92s get him=85

[Bond rushes around and jumps into the = driver=92s=20 side.]

Mrs. Bond: [Looking at = her=20 watch. A bullet has = ricocheted off=20 its face.] Are you sure = we=92ve=20 time? We=92ve got a plane = to=20 catch.

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Of course, I=92m sure. = We=92ve=20 got all the time in the world=85

[Cue: = Music and=20 closing credits. = =93Don=92t worry. Bond will be back as Sean = Connery in=20 1971 in =93Diamonds are Forever=94.]

Of course=20 we can=92t leave this here. = The=20 problem with allowing Theresa to survive in OHMSS, is that Bond is going = to=20 wake-up married in Diamonds Are Forever. =20 Sometimes better endings lead to awkward beginnings=85

Diamonds=20 Are Forever (1971)

[PG =96 Minor=20 nudity and sexual undertones]

The original opening of =93Diamonds are = Forever=94 is=20 - frankly - rather = weak. Bond is looking for Blofeld, = presumably=20 so that he can blow his brains out for murdering his wife, who, of = course, is=20 now not dead at all. = Blofeld,=20 meanwhile, must know his number is up, because he=92s busy trying to = create=20 doubles of himself faster than Elvis Presley. Which is a bit rich, really, = since he=92s=20 already had a new head for the fourth time in the franchise. Only his cat has been played = by more=20 actors. How is Bond = supposed to=20 know that he is now Charles Gray, anyway? =20 The last he knew, Charles Gray was Henderson. He was Telly Savalas when he = murdered=20 his wife, and before that Donald Pleasance. And, even earlier, there was = Gert=20 Frobe.

Meanwhile, in the new take, Mrs. Bond, like = any new=20 bride, is wondering if the man she is waking-up with is the same man she = went to=20 bed with. If only that = were all she=20 had to worry about=85

[Scene: Interior. Hotel bedroom. Lavish. Bridal suite. Could be anywhere in the = World. Who knows with Bond? Who cares? It is morning. Sunlight catches Bond and Mrs. = Bond in=20 the double bed. Bond is = sleeping=20 the sleep of the =93Just Married and Survived Being Shot At=94. Mrs. Bond opens a single = eyelid. Satisfaction is not the word = that is=20 etched on her face. = (Perhaps Bond=20 was a gadget short of the complete package after all. Or maybe it=92s all that = chocolate.) But no fear. No. It is fear, in fact. The fear that builds in those = usual=20 unresolved John Barry chord progressions. =20 There is something else = in the=20 room. In the = bed. Realisation. There is a spider crawling up = the sheet,=20 between them. It is a big = spider,=20 with hairs on its legs, and everything. =20 Mrs. Bond wants to scream, but no scream comes. She wants to shake Bond, but = Bond=20 doesn=92t even stir. She = is frozen in=20 terror. The spider has = crawled onto=20 her bare leg. Past her = knee. Along her thigh. Back onto the sheet, = strategically =96=20 annoyingly - placed, both to fend off spiders, and to keep this a = Certificate A=20 (PG in today=92s money). = Suddenly=20 Bond emits a grunt of married contentment, rolls over and takes the = sheet with=20 him. The spider is flung = onto the=20 floor. Mrs. Bond lets out = her=20 scream, leaps out of bed, and in one swift movement places a pillow = across her=20 bare bosom, and an upturned glass over the = spider.]

Mrs. Bond: =20 J-a-a-a-ames-s-s-s!!!

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Wh- what?

Mrs. Bond: James! I was nearly=20 killed!

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 What, again?

Mrs. Bond: Yes. By this = spider!

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Goodness! They = must have=20 some very dodgy bananas over at Covent Garden.

Mrs. Bond: James! You don=92t care do you?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Of course, I care, Precious. =20 I care plenty=85

Mrs. Bond: Plenty! How many more times do I have = to tell=20 you? My name is = Theresa!

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Hey. Hey. It=92s only a spider. Take it easy, Honey=85

Mrs. Bond: [Bursts into=20 tears] It=92s not Honey, = either! I hate that woman, too. Her and her bikini, and her = mango-walk,=20 or whatever it was. = It=92s me you=20 married. ME! Not HER! Theresa! T-H-E-R-E-S-A!! It=92s no good. I can=92t take it, James. I can=92t! Twice, now in 24 hours, I=92ve = nearly been=20 killed. YOU=92ve nearly = been=20 killed! It=92s no = good. It=92s not the life I want for = my=20 children. I want them to = be safe=20 from all this. I want = them to know=20 that their father will be coming home each evening, with all his bits=20 intact=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 OK! Emma! Darling! I=92m James Bond! 007. Licensed to thrill. To go on forever. Never aging. Never dying. Always making money=85

Mrs. Bond: And I=92m not = M,=20 either=85! But I do want you to speak to her, James. To M. I want her to give you a = desk-job. It=92s time you retired.

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 [To himself, smiling.] = A=20 =93desk-job=94. Sounds = good. But I=92m sure you can get = fired for that=20 sort of thing in Whitehall=85 [Then aware that she is glaring at = him] Pussy. Baby=85

Mrs. Bond: I=92m not = your Pussy,=20 either=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 No. True. I was dreaming, again. Look, Tiffany. Sweetness. I=92ve got a whole = World to=20 keep saving. Why, right = now,=20 Blofeld is probably out there planning to put a satellite into space = with a=20 laser gun on it capable of destroying whole cities! Who else is going to stop him, = if not=20 me.

Mrs. =20 Bond: = There=92s=20 001.

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 He=92s not so good these days. =20 He=92s not the man he was since the involuntary sex-change = incident.

Mrs. Bond: 002? 003? [Bond shakes his head] 004?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Best not to mention 004.

Mrs. Bond: 005? 006? How come you are only 007 = anyway?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Come on, baby. Let = me=20 patronise you, just a bit. = We are=20 on honeymoon, after all. = Kissy?

Mrs. Bond: That=92s = it. I=92ve had it. It=92s Theresa. Not Nicole. Not Plenty O=92Toole, Honey = Ryder, Pussy=20 Galore, or Kissy Suzuki. = Or even=20 Emma Peel =85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Not Tatiana? Not=20 Domino? Not = Moneypenny?

Mrs. Bond: And that=92s = another=20 thing. I want you to give = up=20 messing around with other women=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 [Dumbstruck] To = give=20 up=85?

[There is=20 a knock on the door. = =93Room=20 service!=94 Enter Mr Wint = and Mr=20 Kidd, Blofeld=92s new hired killers, dressed as porters, struggling with = a huge=20 breakfast trolley, in the middle of which is an extra large family-sized = vat of=20 porridge.]

Mr.=20 Kidd: =20 Are you sure it=92s time for this, Mr. Wint?

Mr.=20 Wint: =20 Sure is, Mr. Kidd.

Mr.=20 Kidd: =20 Your breakfast, Mr. Bond. = Mrs. Bond.

Mr.=20 Wint: =20 Mrs. Theresa Bond.

Mrs.=20 Bond: At = least=20 someone knows my name!

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Yes. Odd = that=85

Mr.=20 Kidd: =20 How do you like your eggs, Mrs. Bond?

Mr.=20 Wint: =20 Hard-boiled? Or = all soft and=20 squidgy in the middle?

Mr.=20 Kidd: =20 And yours, Mr. Bond? = Fried -=20 not scrambled?

Mr. =20 Wint: = And=20 your sausage, Mrs. Bond. =

Mr. Kidd: = Mrs.=20 Theresa Bond. Chippolata? Or jumbo=85?

Mr. Wint: =20 And your=85 bangers, = Mr.=20 Bond?

Mr. Kidd: =20 Perhaps you would like them=85

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 I was thinking rather more of getting my oats, around about this = time of=20 morning=85

[Mr Kidd=20 ladles out two stripey bowls-worth of thick Scots porridge and hands one = to Mrs.=20 Theresa Bond, and the other to James. =20 James takes the spoon and tastes the porridge. The camera falls on the Luger = pistol as=20 it breaks through the surface of the vat of porridge in the middle of = the=20 breakfast trolley. Bond, = of course,=20 always picks-out anything that the camera spots.]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 My compliments to the chef, Mr. Kidd. Neither too hot, nor too = cold. But something tells me = Goldilocks found=20 an odd place to hide in the cottage, this morning=85

[The=20 pistol shot shatters the breakfast bowl, while it is still in Bond=92s = hands. Bond snatches Theresa=92s bowl = from=20 her=85]

Mrs. Bond: Hey, I was = eating=20 that. Don=92t you know = it=92s a Low GI=20 food, and does wonders for your cholesterol=85

[=85and=20 hurls it at the Luger. = There is a=20 gloopy splash, and the pistol flies across the room. Mr Kidd and Mr Wint look at = each other,=20 slightly disconcerted. Mr = Kidd=20 leaps for the gun. Mr = Wint reaches=20 for the family-sized ladle. = Mr Kidd=20 points the gun at Bond and pulls the trigger. A jet of porridge squirts out = of it,=20 spraying Bond and the wall behind him.]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Too much sugar, Mr. Kidd. = Listen to my wife. = She says=20 it=92ll lead you to an early grave=85

[Bond=20 spots the glass on the floor in front of him. He kicks it in the direction = of the=20 advancing Mr. Wint. The = tarantula=20 lands on Mr. Wint=92s forehead. = He=20 screams, throws away the ladle, and runs back out into the = corridor. Meanwhile there is a shot as = Mr. Kidd=20 finally gets the Luger to work. =20 Bond ducks behind the bed joining Mrs. Bond. He reaches under the pillow = and grabs=20 his own automatic.]

Mrs. Bond: You=92ve had = that under=20 the pillow all night?! = What if it=20 had gone off? You could = have killed=20 me...

[Bond=20 returns fire]

Mrs.=20 Bond: = James. It=92s no good, you=92re just = not safe to be=20 with=85

[Mr. Kidd=20 returns fire]

Mrs.=20 Bond: = =85I told=20 you. [She stands up] I=92ve had=85

[Bond and=20 Mr. Kidd fire simultaneously]

Mrs.=20 Bond: = =85enou=85!

[Mrs.=20 Bond collapses onto the bed, a frozen disgusted look upon her face. She is bleeding front and = back. The bullet, or bullets, have = gone=20 straight through.]

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Theresa. = Darling!

[Mr. Kidd looks puzzled, but sees = his moment=20 to make his escape. He = sidles away=20 from his cover behind the breakfast trolley and out through the = door. Bond stands up. Sits on the bed. Takes Theresa=92s head in his = lap. After a moment, there is = another knock=20 on the door. =93Room = service?=94 The porter enters. At that moment, a bald = porridge-covered=20 head begins to rise out of the vat. =20 Bond stoops. Picks = up the=20 family-sized ladle and hurls it at the vat. There is a porridge-dampened = =93Clang!=94 as=20 it hits its target, and the head falls back under the surface.]

Room=20 service: =20 Is everything alright?

Bond: &nbs= p; =20 Fine. = Everything=92s=20 fine. She=92s just = sleeping. We=92ll be checking out = shortly=85

[Cue: = Monty Norman=92s=20 iconic signature intro, followed by Shirley Bassey (yet again) and the = opening=20 credits.]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Besides playing the only woman to marry = James Bond,=20 Emma Peel also went on to play the nightmarish Mrs Danvers in the TV = adaptation=20 of Daphne du Maurier=92s Rebecca. The=20 original Hitchcock version from 1940 stars Olivier as Max, and Olivia de = Havilland=92s first sister as the second Mrs de Winter. Not only does the second Mrs = de Winter=20 get a pretty raw deal from the servants, and a big part to learn, she = also=20 suffers from the problem of having no known christian name. This contrasts sharply with = the=20 character of the first Mrs de Winter who has a really memorable = christian name,=20 but very few lines. = Sometimes the=20 acting profession can be a real bummer.

Rebecca=20 (1940)

[18 =96=20 Includes infidelity and morally questionable = wife-killing]

So how does George Fortescue Maximillian de = Winter=20 get off so easily, when he murders his first wife, Rebecca? Amid the highly moral = atmosphere of=20 1940s cinema, Hitchcock demonstrates his hatred of women by declaring = open=20 season on adulterous wives. = In an=20 ending worthy of Enid Blyton, the authorities deal with the murder as if = it was=20 a Famous Five mystery, brushing it under the carpet as a probable = suicide,=20 simply because a visit to the doctor=92s has confirmed that Rebecca = would have=20 died, anyway, without her husband=92s help. =20 That=92s alright then.

Quite apart from its being a Hitchcock = movie,=20 Rebecca, of course, is every woman=92s worst nightmare. That feeling of not = matching-up to any=20 previous experiences the man in her life may have had. The wise man learns not to = mention his=20 past. Max de Winter is a = wise=20 man. Unfortunately for = him, his=20 servants do all the mentioning for him. =20 Especially Mrs Danvers, whose love for her former mistress = borders on=20 lesbian fantasy, especially when she goes through her former = mistress=92s=20 wardrobe. So Max has to = explain to=20 the second Mrs de Winter that the first Mrs de Winter wasn=92t all that = good after=20 all. Indeed, she was so = bad, he had=20 to kill her. The second = Mrs de=20 Winter is very relieved, and takes this all in her stride. She even forgets that she was = told in=20 the first reel that she will not make it to = 36.

Max goes on to reason that, since Rebecca = knew she=20 was going to die anyway, that she set him up to murder her, as a = particularly=20 bitchy parting gift. But what kind of jury is going to be ready to buy a = story=20 like that? One composed = of 12 women=20 perhaps? Doubtful. Maybe = just=85

[Scene: Interior. Truro Assizes. Jury room. There is a central table = around which=20 are arranged 12 chairs. = The jurors=20 =96 all male - are all seated. = It=92s=20 hot. Very hot. Cornwall has never known it to = be so=20 hot. It=92s so hot, = Tennessee=20 Williams wouldn=92t even think of putting his cat out in it.]

Juror No. 1: = [Business-like] Right. That=92s one, two, three, = four, five, six,=20 seven=85 eight, nine, = ten,=20 eleven. That=92s eleven = teas, and=20 one=85 coffee. White=85 with extra sugar=85 Stirred twice=85 And twice only=85 With a dash of = cinnamon=85 Going easy on the = cinnamon=85

[Juror=20 No. 1 scribbles on a piece of paper, then gets up, knocks on the = door. It opens and he passes the = piece of=20 paper to the Clerk of the Court. = The door closes again. = He=20 sits down once more and continues speaking.]

We all know why = we=92re here,=20 but I=92ll still repeat it anyway, for the sake of the folks at = home. We are here to consider the = charge of=20 murder against one George Fortescue Maximillian de Winter. That he, on October = 12^th of=20 last year, did wilfully murder his wife, the lovely Mrs Rebecca de = Winter. He pleads [cough] =93not = guilty=94. We=92ve heard the case. I think we all know where we = stand, and=20 the pubs open in an hour, so let=92s get it over with. Hands up all those in favour = of hanging=20 Mr de Winter? That=92s = one, two,=20 three, four, five, six, seven=85 = eight, nine, ten, eleven=85 =20 [Angrily, now] = What=92s your=20 problem Juror No. 8?! Do = you want=20 clotted cream with your coffee latte=85?

Juror No. 2: [Aside =96 = angrily.] There=92s always one!

Juror No. 8: [Calmly] I just think we ought to spend = the time=20 we are going to spend drinking our tea=85

Juror No. 3: [Angrily] =85and your coffee.

Juror No. 8: = [Self-possessedly] =85talking about why he might = not have=20 done it. I think we owe = him=20 that.

Juror No. 4: [Angrily] We don=92t owe him = anything. I=92ve lived among these = people all my=20 life. Fetched for = them. Carried for them. Cleaned and scraped their = boots for=20 them. He=92s a toff! And you can=92t believe a = thing they say.=20 They=92re all born = liars!

Juror No. 8: [Reasonably] You can=92t just dismiss a man = like=20 that! He=92s got a right = to a fair=20 hearing, just as much as you have. =20 You can=92t tell me that just because he shoots pheasants, now = and then=85=20

Juror No. 5: [Angrily] He shoots pheasants=85?

Juror No. 6: [Angrily] And grouse.

Juror No. 7: [Angrily] And grouse?

Juror No. 9: [Angrily] And hunts foxes=85

Juror No. 10: =20 [Angrily] And = hunts=20 foxes=85?! Hang him!

Juror No. 11: =20 [Angrily] Hang him = tomorrow! Hang him!

Juror No. 8: [So reasonably you = want to=20 hit him] Just a = minute. Hunting foxes isn=92t a = hanging=20 offence. Not yet, = anyway. We have to stick to the facts = of this=20 case.

Juror No. 12: =20 [Angrily] Just the = facts?

Juror No. 1: [More angry = now] Just the facts, sir. Just the facts.

Juror No. 2. =20 [More angry now] = Okay. I=92ll give you the = facts. This is a man who burst in on = his wife=20 down in her waterside love-nest. = He=20 beat her senseless with her own belaying-pin.

Juror No. 3. [More angry = now] What=92s a belaying-pin?

Juror No. 4: [More angry = now] It=92s got something to do = with=20 boats. All you need to = know is it=92s=20 a pin for belaying someone with. =

Juror No. 5: [More angry = now] Oh.

Juror No. 2: [Still more = angry. And tetchy, too] If I MAY continue. Then he rows her limp, = lifeless body=20 across to her own private yacht, takes her down into the cabin, opens = the=20 sea-cocks, gashes huge holes in the hull of the boat - from the = inside -=20 and finally makes his escape while the boat sinks. Furthermore, he reports her = missing,=20 then, two months later, when a body turns up along the coast, he goes = down and=20 mis-identifies that body as that of his wife, while all along the real = Mrs de=20 Winter=85

Juror No. 6: [More angry now] = The first=20 Mrs de Winter=85

Juror No. 7: [More angry now] = The first=20 and only Mrs de Winter=85 =

Juror No. 9: [More angry now] = The first=20 and only, most lovely =96 oh so lovely =96 Mrs de Winter=85

Juror No. 2: [More angry, and=20 Interruptedly] =85is = languishing,=20 food for sharks=85

Juror No. 10: =20 [More angry now] = Do we get=20 sharks around here?

Juror No. 2: [Glaring at Juror = No.=20 10] =85is languishing, = food for=20 sharks, at the bottom of the cove below Manderley.

Juror No. 11: =20 [More angry now] = Are those=20 the facts?

Juror No. 12: =20 [More angry now] = Those are=20 the facts.

Juror No. 1: [Apoplectic] The whole facts?

Juror No. 2: [Apoplectic] Nothing but the facts.

Juror No. 3: [Apoplectic] So help me God.

Juror No. 4: [Apoplectic] And he hunts foxes.

Juror No. 5: [Apoplectic] And grouse.

Juror No. 6: [Apoplectic] And pheasants.

Juror No. 7: [Apoplectic] Hang him!

Juror No. 9: [Apoplectic] Hang the toff!

Juror No. 10: =20 [Apoplectic] Hang = the lying,=20 murdering, toff!

Juror No. 11: =20 [Apoplectic] Hang = the lying,=20 murdering, philandering toff!

Juror No. 12: =20 [Apoplectic] Hang = on. No-one said anything about=20 philandering=85

Juror No. 1: [Beyond = apoplectic] Surely someone mentioned a=20 love-nest=85

Juror No. 2: [Beyond = apoplectic] Surely=85

Juror No. 3: [Beyond = apoplectic] That was her = love-nest=85 Rebecca=92s. Lovely Rebecca=92s lovely = love-nest=85

Juror No. 4: [Beyond = apoplectic] Well what sort of man visits = his own=20 wife in her own love-nest?

Juror No. 5: [Beyond = apoplectic] He didn=92t. She had other men, = there=85

Juror No. 6: [Beyond = apoplectic] Other men? Who?

[There is=20 a pause. Juror No. 7 = starts looking=20 a bit sheepish. Juror No. = 9 starts=20 looking unsettled. Juror = No. 10=20 looks at Juror No. 9 and raises his eyebrows. Juror No. 11 stares out the = window. Juror No. 12 starts = whistling.

Juror No. 1: [Guiltily] My, it=92s hot in here. [He runs his finger inside his = collar.]

Juror No.=20 2: = [Guiltily] You, too?

Juror No. 3: [Guiltily] Oh, crumbs! [He stands up and walks = dramatically=20 over to the corner of the room by the door, keeping his back to=20 everyone-else.]

Juror No. 4: =20 [Guiltily] Oh, = dash! [He stands up and walks = dramatically=20 over to the corner of the room by the window, keeping his back to=20 everyone-else.]

Juror No. 5: [Guiltily] Oh, damn! [He stands up and walks = dramatically=20 over to the corner of the room furthest from the door and the window - = the one=20 with the broken fan - keeping his back to everyone-else.]

Juror No. 6: [Guiltily] Well fuck me! [He stands up and walks = dramatically=20 over to the corner of the room furthest from the door and the window - = the one=20 without the broken fan - keeping his back to everyone-else.]

Juror No.=20 8: = [Angrily] What is it with me? Do I look gay, or = something?

Juror No. 7: [Thoughtfully] Well, there=92s the coffee=20 latte=85

Juror No. 9: [Thoughtfully] Stirred twice=85

Juror No. 10: =20 [Thoughtfully] = Only=20 twice=85

Juror No. 11: =20 [Thoughtfully] And = the=20 cinnamon=85

Juror No. 12: =20 [Thoughtfully] = Going easy on=20 the cinnamon.

Juror No. 1: [Numerically] So that=92s one, two, three, = four, five,=20 six, seven=85 =85eight, = nine, ten,=20 eleven. Looks like we = have a=20 well-hung jury=85

Juror No. 8: [More angry = now] Look. A man=92s life is at stake, = here. I just think we owe him a = chance.

Juror No. 1: [Guiltily] Perhaps we do owe him a little = something. Let=92s go = over the facts=20 again.

Juror No. 2: [Guiltily] The facts?

Juror No. 3: [Guiltily] The = facts=20 again.

Juror No. 4: [Guiltily] Okay. Here we have a man who goes = down to see=20 his wife in the little waterside property he lets her have every time = she has=20 one of her head-aches.

Juror No. 5: [Guiltily] Nothing wrong with that.

Juror No. 6: [Guiltily] A most reasonable thing to = do.

Juror No. 7: [Guiltily] Eminently reasonable.

Juror No. 9: [Guiltily] He asks her the time of day, = and she=20 flies off the handle at him. = Must=20 be her time of the month or something.

Juror No. 10: =20 [Guiltily] Time of = the=20 month. I=92ll go with = that.

Juror No. 11: =20 [Guiltily] = Figures.

Juror No. 12: =20 [Guiltily] She = goes to beat=20 him senseless with the belaying-pin.

Juror No. 1: [Ashamedly] Time of the month.

Juror No. 2: [Ashamedly] But he ducks.

Juror No. 3: [Ashamedly] He=92s entitled to duck.

Juror No. 4: [Ashamedly] Absolutely.

Juror No. 5: [Ashamedly] And she hits herself on the = knee with=20 the belaying-pin=85

Juror No. 6: [Ashamedly] =85and collapses...

Juror No. 7: [Ashamedly] =85and hits her head.

Juror No. 9: [Ashamedly] So what=92s poor old Max to = do? He=92s a wife whose been = screwing half the=20 county, and she=92s just killed herself in front of him.

Juror No. 10: =20 [Ashamedly] It = looks bad for=20 Max.

Juror No. 11: =20 [Ashamedly] So = he=92s got to=20 make it look like she hit herself over the knee with the pin when she = was out=20 sailing.

Juror No. 12: =20 [Ashamedly] = Dangerous=20 pastime, sailing...

Juror No. 1: [Redemptively] Especially when you=92re = belaying the=20 sea-cocks=85

Juror No. 2: [Redemptively] =85in your own boat=85

Juror No. 3: [Redemptively] =85and chiselling holes in the = bottom of=20 your own boat to make it look like suicide=85

Juror No. 4: [Redemptively] Like suicide?

Juror No. 5: [Redemptively] Like suicide.

Juror No. 6: [Redemptively] Certainly was.

Juror No. 7: [Redemptively] So why didn=92t all this come = out in=20 court, then?

Juror No. 8: [Redemptively] That=92s what a jury is for, = isn=92t it?

Juror No. 9: [Redemptively] Is it?

Juror No. 10: =20 [Redemptively] = Yes. A jury=92s for working out all = the little=20 details that those poor overworked lawyers miss.

Juror No. 11: =20 [Redemptively] = Poor,=20 overworked, overpaid lawyers.

Juror No. 12: =20 [Redemptively] I = see.

Juror No. 1: [Satisfied] I think it=92s time for = another vote. Hands up all those who want to = see Mr De=20 Winter acquitted. = That=92s one, two,=20 three, four, five, six, seven=85 = eight, nine, ten, eleven=85 =20 What=92s your problem Juror No. 8?

Juror No. 8: [Feeling = missed-outedly] I want to change my vote to = guilty!

[The=20 End]

Return to the Countdown

Not every far, far better ending is = a happy=20 one. Some are just = inevitable. Take, for example another = Hitchcock=20 outing, Now, Voyager. = What=92s=20 that? Not Hitchcock? Look = again=85

Now,=20 Voyager (1942)

[18 =96=20 Scary. Think female = Norman=20 Bates. That=92s how=20 scary.]

Another morally dubious classic of the = Forties=20 Now, Voyager, is, by today=92s standards, an uncomfortable = film. Over time, it has = spawned a=20 whole genre of films dealing with difficult psychological issues. I=92m thinking of films like = =93Brief=20 Encounter=94, =93All About Eve=94, =93Whatever Happened to Baby = Jane?=94,=20 as well as more modern takes such as =20 =93Halloween=94, =93A Nightmare on Elm Street=94 = and =93Friday the=20 13th=94. =

In truth, there was only ever one way for = this cycle=20 of controlling mothers, deceit, aliases and adultery, of falling = downstairs,=20 matricide, stalking, grooming, kidnap, and finally, of sitting in scary = rocking=20 chairs, to end=85

[Scene: =20 Interior. = 1960. A scary, gothic house behind = The Vale=92=20 Motel, 10 miles outside Fairvale off the main highway between Phoenix = and San=20 Francisco. Previous = owners include=20 the Addamses, and the Brewsters. = Lila Crane and Sam Loomis stand at the bottom of an uninviting=20 staircase. They can hear = voices at=20 the top, but no-one is answering. =20 Slowly they mount each stair. =20 Half-way up there is a loud creak as one tread, unfixed for many = years=20 (since Tina last stayed out too late), lets out a warning. The voices stop. Sam and Lila stop. Half-way up the stairs, which = is neither=20 up nor down, is not really the place to stop. So they carry on.

The top of the stairs. The voices have started = again. They come from a room across = the=20 landing. The door is = slightly=20 ajar. They cross the = landing and=20 push open the door. The = room is=20 immaculately kept. It is = a woman=92s=20 bedroom. The = beautifully-made=20 mahogany bed dominates. = There is=20 elaborate drapery, with an old-fashioned marble washstand and = basin. A strange bronze sculpture of = hands in=20 supplication forms the centre-piece of a painstakingly laid-out=20 dressing-table-top. = Oddly, every=20 surface seems to find space for its own exquisitely hand-carved ivory = box.=20

The voices come from the window. A woman, whose apparent age = =96 judging=20 from her hair =96 seems in keeping with the room, sits in a = rocking-chair, in the=20 window. Another, younger, = stands=20 beside her. Both are = looking out at=20 the sky. Ignoring the = intruders,=20 the younger turns towards the older. =20 She, the younger, has a pair of cigarettes, between her lips. She lights both of them, then = takes one,=20 and places it, carefully, between the teeth of the=20 other.]

Tina: &nbs= p; =20 Why ask for the Moon, Mummy, when we have the=20 stars?

[Lila notices that the old woman does = nothing to take=20 the cigarette. At that = point she=20 begins to make out more clearly the sunken features of her face, the = stretched,=20 pallid=85]

Lila: &nbs= p; =20 =85No. That = isn=92t skin. It=92s bone. Oh my=85 [She lets out a piercing = scream.]

[Scene: Interior. An office in the County Courts = Building,=20 Fairvale, a small drive-through town somewhere, as we=92ve said, between = Phoenix=20 and San Francisco. Lila = Crane and=20 Sam Loomis sit together with the local Sheriff and Police Officers, = waiting to=20 hear a psychiatric report on a most dangerous = woman.]

Psychiatrist: I got the whole = story. But not from Tina. I got it from her = =93Mother=94. Tina Vale, or Christina = Durrance, as she=20 was originally known, no longer exists. =20 She only half-existed to begin with and now the other half has = taken=20 over. Probably for all = time.

Lila: &nbs= p; =20 Did she kill my brother?

Psychiatrist: Yes. I=92m sorry. The private investigator, = too. I believe if you drag that = swamp,=20 somewhere in the vicinity of the motel, you=92ll=85 =

Chief of = Police: =20 So she=92s confessed=85

Psychiatrist: To understand it, the way = I=20 understood it, you have to go back 10 years, to the time when she = murdered the=20 woman she thought of as her mother and the man who she no longer knew to = be her=20 father. =

Or, maybe,=20 to really =96 truly =96 get a grip on it, you need to go back even = further, to 10=20 years before that, when this horrible circle truly began to take=20 shape.

Imagine, if you can, a young woman still = dressed=20 like a little girl. Still = kept like=20 a little girl. Kept = virtually as a=20 servant. As a companion = for her=20 mother in her older age. = She was a=20 =93late child=94. Her = mother was in her=20 40s when she had her. So, = back=20 then, she =96 the mother =96 would have been in her 60s. Kept =96 deliberately =96 = unpretty, feeling=20 unloved, unwanted, undesirable. The mother thus, subtly, assured that = this Ugly=20 Duckling could never grow-up into a swan and never fly the nest.

Well, you can=92t keep someone like that = forever,=20 without causing permanent and long-lasting damage. Terrible damage. The young woman =96 Charlotte = was her name=20 =96 has a nervous breakdown. = It=92s a=20 cry for help, and help she gets when she=92s taken into the care of the = Cascade=20 Sanatorium. For a while, = it looks=20 as if she is going to mend. = Under=20 the careful eye of one Dr Jaquith, the Ugly Duckling becomes a = fledgling. After three months she is sent = on a=20 voyage to Rio to test out her new-found flying skills. She travels under an assumed = name, and=20 pretty soon meets a handsome male swan, who shows her what flying=92s = really all=20 about. He is already = married, of=20 course, but he tells her what she wants to hear: =93My wife swan doesn=92t = understand=20 me. She=92s always ill, = and we have a=20 real Ugly Duckling of our own to bring up, so I can=92t leave the one = because I=20 need to look after the other, and, really, I was a cad to have made you = fall in=20 love with me against the most romantic of sunsets, over a couple of = cigarettes,=20 on a slow boat to Rio.=94

So she returns to her scheming mother, = heartbroken,=20 but newly resolved to do her own thing. =20 Her mother falls =96 suspiciously - down the stairs, but = Charlotte =96 that=92s=20 her real name, barely bats an eye. =20 That=92s when the first signs of her new, cold, self-obsession = first begin=20 to show. Pretty now =96 = she has a=20 kind of beauty - she becomes engaged to a good-looking, well-to-do = widower, but=20 she soon realises it is only because she wants to have children, and not = because=20 she loves him, and so he has a lucky escape. She breaks it off. This leads her mother, = finally, to make=20 one barbed comment too many, and to Charlotte killing her with a few = sharp and=20 very well-aimed words, delivered =96 note this well - while sitting = back, almost=20 nonchalantly, in the scariest of rocking-chairs.

Now, spoiled for adulthood by a cruel and = selfish=20 mother, and spoiled for marriage by a passionate but equally selfish = man, the=20 newly-rich Charlotte decides to return to Cascade to think things = over. There, by chance, or design = =96 she has=20 mentioned the sanatorium on more than one occasion to the handsome swan = - she=20 meets the Ugly Duckling daughter of that same one-time lover, and begins = to form=20 what can only be described as a most unhealthy attachment. Indulged because she happens = to be=20 promising to build a new wing on the hospital, she is allowed to = fantasise that=20 the child is the offspring of her own liaison with the swan. She is even allowed to take = her home to=20 live with her. There she = is=20 challenged both by the swan and by her own psychiatrist, but she comes = out on=20 top when she convinces them both that sometimes =93giving is a kind of=20 taking=94. There are, no = doubt, many=20 more unsavory characters who would like to redefine =93taking as a kind = of=20 giving=94. It is all = words.

And so the wheel turns, and the story goes = on. She obsesses more and more = about her=20 fantasy child. She is = shunned by=20 good society and buys isolation for herself and her =93daughter=94 in a = scary,=20 gothic, house on a hill. = The=20 handsome father swan comes to visit occasionally, but so rarely that the = daughter starts to resent his intrusion. =20 Manically jealous, she begins to forget who is who, seeing her = real=20 father only as someone who her imaginary mother spends more and more = time with=20 away from her. One day, = catching=20 them in bed together, her twisted nerve twists one time too many, and = she flips,=20 poisoning them both with strychnine in such a way that it looks like a = suicide=20 pact.

Life was pretty lonely out in that Edward = Hopper=20 house on the hill, and so she spent money on some cabins, and built a = motel out=20 front. Soon people would = start=20 dropping by, on the way to =91Cisco, or Phoenix, but rarely more than = one at a=20 time. She didn=92t need = the money, of=20 course, but she=92d give them her personal attention, and they would = indulge her=20 by looking, admiringly, at her extensive private collection of = ivory-carved=20 boxes. Sometimes they=92d = get to go=20 on, next morning. But = sometimes,=20 especially if they were a good-looking young man, they would end up face = down in=20 the swamp at the back of the house. =20 She=92d like them well enough, and they=92d find her - shall we = say =96=20 generous. But then the = =93mother=94 in=20 her would take over, and they=92d wind-up dead for a crime no worse, = maybe, than=20 leaving the lavatory seat up.

You see. =20 In every woman there are two personalities. There is the girl a man = marries. And then there is her = mother. Sooner or later, every girl = becomes her=20 mother.

Sheriff: =20 And the $40,000? = Who got=20 that?

Psychiatrist: The swamp. These weren=92t crimes of = profit. They were crimes of = passion. Of irrationality.

Police = Officer: =20 [Opening door and interrupting] =20 She=92s asked for a cigarette. =20 Can I take her one?

Psychiatrist: Sure. Take her two.

[Scene: Interior. We follow the Police Officer = down the=20 hall and into the cell where Tina Vale is being held. She is sitting in the corner = of a bare,=20 windowless room, wrapped in a blanket. =20 He walks over to her, and holds up an open packet of = cigarettes.]

Tina: &nbs= p; =20 What? I asked for=20 Marlborough Lights! = Can=92t you do=20 anything right?! It=92s = not as if I=20 asked you for the Moon! = Or the=20 stars! Well did I? Just one flaming cigarette, = and you come=20 back with=85 What does = your wife=20 think of you? I bet = she=85

[Fade to black. =20 The End.]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Speaking of abused, mad women; there=92s Thelma and=20 Louise=85

Thelma=20 & Louise (1991)

[18 =96=20 Implied sex, and incidents of bad language]

Thelma and Louise. An accidental Butch Cassidy = and Sundance=20 for chicks. Chicks with attitude. =20 Chicks with attitude and problems.

Hard-working, hard-bitten waitress Louise = [Susan=20 Sarandon] persuades her nervous, self-conscious, bullied, = stay-at-home-housewife=20 friend Thelma [Geena Davis] to run away with her for a weekend=20 vacation.

Things are going fine until Thelma = persuades Louise=20 to stop at a road-house for a meal. =20 It seems that Country and Western men look upon unaccompanied = women as=20 only one step-up from whores, and we know that na=EFve Thelma is in = trouble when=20 she allows one aging cowboy to take her outside into the parking-lot for = air=20 while protective Louise visits the little cow-girls=92 room. Thelma is just discovering = that, in=20 Ohio, =93No=94 means =93Yes please! I=20 love it rodeo-style!=94 when the cowboy finds Louise has Thelma=92s = six-shooter, and=20 she=92s using it as a cowpoke against his temple. Now the cowboy, in his = strange way=20 of thinking, imagines = this means=20 that she wants some to, but doesn=92t know that Louise has experienced = this same=20 type of communications problem for herself (without back-up) back in = Texas. The cowboy decides to make her = day, and=20 she leaves his heart bleeding profusely over the trunk of another = guy=92s=20 T-Bird. =

Thinking that Ohio is not the best state in = which a=20 cowgirl should face a murder-charge that requires a self-defence = plea, Louise grabs Thelma and heads = for the=20 border down Mexico way, although not via Texas, because she knows the = men there=20 are just as bad.

Back home, Louise=92s boyfriend is not the = pig that=20 Thelma=92s husband is, so she calls him and asks him to wire her $6700 = from her=20 savings account. He=92s = the romantic=20 sort so he turns up in Ohio City, himself, complete with money and = engagement=20 ring. =

Thelma still hasn=92t learned that her = taste in men is=20 decidedly flawed, although Brad Pitt might be enough to turn any = girl=92s=20 head. He=92s all charm = when he=20 confesses to being a robber, and it sounds very romantic until it=92s = her he robs=20 next. Still, she = discovered what=20 real sex was like, so life isn=92t all bad. =20 And he told her how to go about armed robbery, so now our = heroines have=20 money and a price on both their heads.

Harvey Keitel, as good cop Hal, though, is = still=20 ready to believe that their crimes are more bad luck than bad = attitude. He=92s got Thelma=92s = husband=92s phone=20 tapped. Plus he=92s also = dug-up=20 Louise=92s bad experience in Texas. =20 Pretty soon every traffic cop in Ohio knows the colour of their = T-Bird,=20 and it=92s only a matter of time before Miss Butch and Mrs Sundance = discover that=20 if you=92re determined not to go through Texas, then the Grand Canyon is = an=20 awfully big obstacle to your getting to Mexico. =

[Scene: Exterior. Thelma and Louise, have just = outrun the=20 police, and are cruising through what they think is open desert. Like roads, only slower, and = without=20 that awkward problem of having to follow a map. The mood is one of an = uncertain=20 hiatus. The calm before = the=20 ultimate storm.]

Thelma: =20 You=92re a good friend.

Louise: =20 You too, Sweetie. = The=20 best. =

[Pause]

How d=92ya like the vacation so=20 far?

Thelma: =20 [Laughs ironically. = Louise=20 joins in.] I guess I went = a little=20 crazy, huh?

Louise: =20 No. You=92ve = always been=20 crazy. This is just the = first=20 chance you=92ve had to really express yourself!

Thelma: =20 [After pausing, looking back warily over her shoulder.] Good = drivin=92.

Louise: =20 [Catching the air of anxiety.] =20 Thanks.

[The camera pans back following the car and = its long=20 dusty tail. As it does so = a police=20 helicopter appears ominously below the canyon ridge, following the = car=92s=20 progress. Tension = mounts. Suddenly Louise spots that = they are=20 running out of desert. = She slams on=20 the brakes.]

Louise: =20 Aaaaaargh!

Thelma: =20 Aaaaaargh!

[The car comes to a stop at the very last = moment,=20 right on the cliff edge.]

Louise: =20 Wow! =20 God!

Thelma: =20 What the Hell is this?

Louise: =20 I don=92 know. I = think=85 I think it=92s the goddamn = Grand=20 Canyon!

Thelma: =20 Isn=92t it beautiful.

Louise: =20 Yeah. It=92s = something else=20 alright.

[At this point the police chopper rises up = suddenly=20 in front of them. Their = hats blow=20 off. Remarkably easily = given that=20 they=92ve stayed on all this time, in an open-top T-Bird at speeds up to = 110=20 (according to one officer). = Louise=20 puts the car into reverse, in an effort to retrieve their hats. The car spins around only to = confront=20 the entire Ohio State Police Department. =20 Louise turns the car around again, as if facing away from the = problem=20 will make it go away. = Bullets are=20 seen being pressed into magazines. =20 Rifle-sights are trained.]

Thelma: =20 Oh my God! Looks = like a=20 army!

Louise: =20 All this for us?!

[Hal, having stepped out of the chopper is = arguing=20 with Max.]

Hal: &nbs= p; =20 Hey! Don=92t let = them shoot=20 these girls. This is too = much. You got guns pointed at=20 them.

Max: &nbs= p; =20 These women are armed, Hal. =20 This is standard. = Now=20 calm down. These men know = what they=20 are doing.

Police=20 Loudspeaker: =20 Raise your hands into plain view. =20 Any failure to obey this command will be considered an act of = aggression=20 against us. I = repeat. Turn your engine off, and = place your=20 hands into plain view!

[More shots=20 of rifles being cocked and trigger-fingers = itching.]

Thelma: =20 What are you doing? =20

Louise: =20 [Loading her own pistol.] = I=92m not giving up.

Hal: &nbs= p; =20 Max! You gotta do=20 somethin=92. How many = times,=20 Max? How many times has = that woman=20 gotta be fucked over?

Max: &nbs= p; =20 Hey, listen! Will = you pull=20 yourself together, now, and listen to me. =20 Calm down. Don=92 = make me=20 sorry I brought you!

Hal: &nbs= p; =20 Damn it!

Police=20 Loudspeaker: =20 I repeat. Cut your = engine=20 off, and place your hands into plain view!

Thelma: =20 OK then. = Listen. Let=92s not get=20 caught.

Louise: =20 What are you talking about?

Thelma: =20 Let=92s keep goin=92!

Louise: =20 What do you mean?

Thelma: =20 [Gesturing ahead] =20 Go!

Louise: =20 [Smiling questioningly] = You=20 sure?

Thelma: =20 [Nodding] = Yeah=85 Hit it!

[They smile reassuringly at each = other. They kiss. The police look on. Dust rises from spinning=20 wheels.]

Max: &nbs= p; =20 Hey!

[Hal runs hopelessly after the car = as it=20 picks up speed. Thelma = and Louise=20 each grasp the other=92s hand. = They=20 lean back as the car launches itself over the edge of the cliff and = then=85 =85slowly = rises=85]

[Cue=20 music: =93Titty Bird Bird. Titty Titty Bird Bird=85

Titty Bird Bird. Titty Titty Bird Bird=85

Oh! =20 You! Pretty = Thunderbird=20 Bird. Pretty Titty Bird = Bird we=20 love you!

And=85 =20 our=85 Pretty = Titty Bird=20 Bird. Pretty Thunderbird = Bird loves=20 us to!

High! =20 Low! Anywhere we = go, on=20 Titty Titty we depend=85

Bird Bird, Titty Titty Bird = Bird! Our fine big-fendered=20 friend!

Bird Bird, Titty Titty Bird = Bird! Our fine big-fendered=20 friend!]

[The=20 End]

Return to the Countdown

And then, of course, there=92s The = Exorcist,=20 appropriately in at Number 13. =20 Another mad woman, this time, = teenage-style=85

The=20 Exorcist (1973)

[18 =96=20 Implied horror, and children using bad language]

=93I need evidence that the church will = accept as signs=20 of possession.=94

So says Father Karras to Regan=92s Mother, = half-way=20 through what is at least one famous film reviewer=92s favourite chiller. =

=93Like what?=94 asks Mrs. MacNeil.

=93Speaking in a foreign language she=92s = never known or=20 studied.=94 =20

By this stage Regan has the scariest, most = inhuman=20 eyes and the withdrawn lips of a woman of 150. Plus the power of = projectile-vomiting=20 from a prone position, that would impress even Leonardo DiCaprio=92s = Jack Dawson=20 in Titanic. Oh, and the = voice which=20 has supposedly not yet spoken a language which =93she=92s never known or = studied=94=20 has taken on the subtle timbre of a male who has been smoking 50 a day = for at=20 least thirty years. And = surely she=20 didn=92t learn words like that in the school playground? No, surely not! She=92s also been strapped to = the bed,=20 presumably to prevent her head from screwing off again. It certainly doesn=92t stop = her from=20 throwing things around the room by force of will. Yet the ill-omened = Father Damien=20 Karras has still to be convinced that she is not merely insane, = apparently=20 because the Devil himself did not know his Mother=92s maiden-name. Don=92t be too sure, = Damien. I wouldn=92t go loaning that = girl your=20 credit card, if I were you=85

Naff plot. =20 Naff chacterisation, particularly of the = multiple-personality-possessing=20 demon. Naff special = effects. Naff, but genuinely scary = music that=20 sits as comfortably in some of the places its used, as it might in the=20 background of =93Debbie Does Dallas=94. =20 This is a chiller that=92s been out of the fridge too long, and = is way past=20 its sell by date. =20

So to the plot. =20 Regan, like any typical all-American girl is being brought up = alone by=20 her actress Mother, Chris MacNeil. =20 The poor girl has discovered a ouija-board in the attic and = through it=20 she has managed to be taken over by a demonic spirit called Captain = Howdy. Now Captain Howdy must have = sailed in a=20 pretty mean fishing vessel whenever it was that he was alive, and if his = language is anything to go by, his wife=92s was something awful. This would have been a ship = where men=20 were men, spades were called spades, and bodily functions were, well, = not known=20 as =93bodily functions=94. =20

When Mrs. MacNeil first appears she is = already=20 hearing =93rats=94 with hob-nailed boots performing hornpipes in the = attic, and=20 won=92t listen to her staff telling her that there are no rats. Gradually weirder and weirder = things=20 happen, until all the psychiatrists, together with all the surgeons =96 = who have=20 performed some truly horrific operations on her daughter =96 finally = become=20 convinced that Regan is beyond their help. =20 =93Have you tried exorcism?=94 =20 they say, in the hope of shifting the buck=20 somewhere-else.

Conveniently there is a seminary just = behind the=20 MacNeils=92 house. And = some pretty=20 horrid things have been going on there, recently, particularly to the = Madonna=20 with the fallen boobies. = So Mrs.=20 MacNeil sends for the priests. = And=20 who are these priests? = One [Max von=20 Sydow] has just escaped from the set of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where = he spent=20 a whole month exorcising Indiana Jones. =20 It=92s nearly killed him. = The=20 other, Father Damien, has, of course, lost his faith because he has = failed to do=20 enough to prevent his mother from dying alone in a care home.

In the big climax they both face the tirade = of=20 distinctly English, and far from Latin, abuse but still succeed in = reciting the=20 words of the exorcism, while simultaneously trying to hold down the = bed. Inexplicably, they take a = break when the=20 job is only half-done, returning to find the demon has recovered its=20 strength. Father = Indiana=92s heart=20 gives out, which is the last straw for the angry Damien, who uses = distinctly=20 unsacred language, while screaming at the demon =93Take Me! God damn you! Take Me! Take Me!=94 It takes him at his word, and = leaves=20 poor Regan. Father Damien = then=20 manages to attone for the sin of not phoning his mother enough, by = throwing=20 himself out of the window and taking Captain Howdy with=20 him.

[Scene: Interior. Regan=92s bedroom. The bed is in disarray. Clothes are everywhere. The walls, ceiling and floor = are smeared=20 with fluorescent green vomit. = It is=20 a typical teenager=92s room. =20 Mercifully, someone has just opened the window in an awful = hurry. Regan is slunk in the corner,=20 crying.]

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; =20 =93Grand Piano.=94]

Regan: =20 Mother! =20 Mother!=85

[ Regan=92s Mother rushes into the room, = accompanied by=20 Lt. Kinderman [The still more than angry Lee J Cobb] and takes Regan = into her=20 arms.]

[Scene: =20 Exterior. The = bottom of the=20 steps below the shattered bedroom window. =20 A crowd has gathered on the steps above the prostrate Father = Damien=20 Karras. Father Dyer = pushes his way=20 to the front and asks Father Damien if he has anything to confess before = dying.]

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; =20 =93Reed and Pipe Organ.=94]

[Scene: =20 Interior. The = hallway of the=20 house. A month = later. Everything is packed-up ready = for a=20 move.]

Sharon: =20 That=92s everything.

Mrs. MacNeil: I=92m going to miss=20 you.

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; =20 =93Glockenspiel.=94]

Sharon: =20 Same here.

Mrs. MacNeil: Sure you won=92t change your = mind? Won=92t come along with=20 us?

Sharon: =20 [Shaking her head.] = No. Amityville = sounds a bit=20 quiet for me. I prefer to = stay=20 here, in Georgetown. = [Pause] Oh. I found this in your = room. [Hands Regan=92s Mother the = scary=20 unexplained silver charm. = Mrs.=20 MacNeil takes the charm and puts it in her handbag ready for a possible=20 sequel.] Better=20 hurry.

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; =20 =93Bass Guitar.=94]

Mrs. MacNeil: Yes. [Embracing Sharon] Regan, come on, = here. We have to get=20 going.

[Scene: =20 Exterior. = Outside the=20 house. We observe Father = Dyer=20 watching Mrs. MacNeil putting the bags into the car. He goes over to=20 her.]

Mrs. MacNeil: She doesn=92t remember any of = it.

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; =20 =93Double Speed Guitar.=94]

Father Dyer: What? None of it? What about the physical = scars? There must be scars where = she=85 where = she=85

Mrs. MacNeil: All gone. Just a pain in=20 the=85

Father Dyer: Oh! [Touching himself] Must be awfully=20 stiff=85

Mrs. MacNeil: Yes. That=92s right. Just a pain in the neck. Regan has happily = returned to=20 being just like any other normal teenager.

Father Dyer: That=92s = good.

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; =20 =93Two Slightly=85 Distorted Guitars.=94]

[A bag comes flying out of the porchway and = lands by=20 the car.] =

Regan: =20 [From inside the house] =20 Zits!!! For = f*ck=92s=20 sake! Where the hell is = the=20 Clearasil. Someone=92s = packed the=20 Clearasil! This = stinks! I can=92t go! Not until I find the f*cking = Clearasil!=20

Mrs. MacNeil: Honey. Come on! We=92ve got to = go.

Regan: =20 I=92ve told you once. = I can=92t=20 go until somebody gets me the Clearasil! =20 What if someone should see me like this?

Mrs. MacNeil: Like what, Honey. You=92re fine. Now just come = on!

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ; = =20 =93Mandolin!=94]

Regan: =20 [Emerging from the house] = Fine? You call = this=20 =93fine=94! You = call THIS=20 =93fine=94!! It might be = =93fine=94 to=20 you. It might be = =93fine=94 to=20 YOU!! An actress with God = knows how=20 many people to do your make-up for you, before YOU ever have to show = your face=20 in public! But it=92s not = =93fine=94 for=20 me. This face is not=20 =93FINE=94!!!

Mrs. MacNeil: Well, at least it=92s on the = right way=20 round for a change.

Regan: =20 What=92s that mean? = What=92s=20 THAT supposed to mean?!

[Soundtrack: =93Spanish = Guitar and=20 introducing Acoustic Guitar.=94]

Mrs. MacNeil: Honey. This is Father=20 Dyer.

Regan: &nbs= p; = ; = &= nbsp; =20 So?

Father Dyer: [Smiling,=20 knowingly] Pleased to = meet you,=20 Regan.

Regan: &nbs= p; = ; = &= nbsp; =20 Huh!

Mrs. MacNeil: Now get in the car. [Regan refuses to move] Get in the Goddamn=20 car!

[Regan gets into the back of the Mercedes, = slamming=20 the door behind her. Her = mother=20 climbs in the front. The = car starts=20 and begins to draw away. = Mrs.=20 MacNeil waves goodbye to Father Dyer]

[Soundtrack: &nbs= p; = ;=20 =93Plus=85 = Tubular=85=20 Bells!=94]

Regan: =20 [From the back of the car] =20 Are we there yet? = Mum. Mum!! Are we there = yet?!

[The = car pulls=20 away down the street, leaving a smiling Father Dyer at the gateway to = the house,=20 satisfied that all is now normal in the MacNeil = world.]

[The=20 End]

Return to the=20 Countdown

The Swedish actor Max Von Sydow appears, = now, in=20 another supernatural tale, this time as a knight just back from the = Crusades,=20 wondering if it was all worth it. =20 Take it from me. = It=20 wasn=92t.

The=20 Seventh Seal (1957)

[U =96 Some=20 scenes, especially those involving chess and Scrabble=AE, may be tedious = for young=20 children.]

The Seventh Seal shares with The Tale of = Two Cities=20 that same rare ingredient; in this case, famous opening and closing = scenes.

The vision of the Knight playing chess with = Death on=20 the sea-shore is iconic. = As is the=20 final shot of Death with his scythe leading away his conquests in a = grotesque=20 dance silhouetted against a doom-laden sky. You do not have to speak = Swedish to know=20 these two cinematic moments. =20

But in between, lies nothing less (or more = =96 it=20 rather depends on your point of view) than a treatise on the nature of = man=92s=20 existence. On God, on = faith, on=20 religion. On the = arbitrariness of=20 Fate. =

At one point, the blacksmith, Plog, says to = the=20 Knight=92s squire, Jons:

=93Just between us, I=92d say life was a = little=85=94

Jons interrupts with

=93Yes, it is. =20 But don=92t think about it now.=94 =20

The exchange sums up this 1957 World Cinema = classic,=20 by Swedish film-maker Ingmar Bergman, which proves that the French are = not the=20 only ones who make films in which nothing ever=20 happens.

The Knight, Antonius Blok, and his squire, = Jons,=20 return to 14^th Century Sweden, from 10 years in the Holy = Land,=20 fighting in what Jons describes as the most idealistic of pointless = Crusades,=20 only to be =96 they think, quite unfairly =96 =20 struck down by plague at the moment they set foot on land. Death comes for Blok, but Blok = does not=20 want to go. He challenges = Death to=20 a game of chess, and prolongs his life on Earth for as long as he can = hold Death=20 at bay. Should he win, he = will have=20 conquered Death, completely. = Death=20 is intrigued enough to play along. =20 It buys Blok, and for some reason his cynical squire - who does = not play=20 chess, but keeps going along for the ride as someone to talk to - = another day of=20 life, which they spend trying to find meaning in what they have lived=20 through. This is Don = Quixote with=20 attitude.

They encounter various characters in = contrasting=20 states of hope and despair, but, if anything, less and less meaning, = while Blok=20 renews his game with Death at various =96 less memoraby photogenic =96 = points along=20 the way. Hope finally = resides in a=20 family of three; an actor, his wife, and their child, who plan to travel = down=20 the coast to their next venue. = The=20 Knight persuades them to accompany him through the woods, that night, = and thus=20 avoid the plague. Death = has other=20 ideas, anyway, and comes for them in the dark. But the actor sees visions, = and is able=20 to see The Knight and Death playing their deadly game together, so he = sets off=20 to lead his family away from the danger. =20 The Knight finally gains some redemption, when he distracts Death = by=20 accidentally knocking over some of his pieces just as they escape.=20

[Scene: Exterior. Woods near dawn. The Knight Antonius Blok is = playing=20 chess with Death. Blok = has just=20 knocked over the pieces in one corner of the = board.]

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Are you conceding?

Knight: =20 No. Just being = clumsy. Look. The game was heading for a = draw, was it=20 not? I was = wondering. Do you play Scrabble=AE?

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Scrabble=AE? You = risk much, my=20 friend. Chess is a game = over which=20 you have some control. = Cold logic=20 lies behind every move. = If you have=20 the capacity, you can always win, or, at the very least, ensure a = draw. Scrabble=AE is a game of fate, = ruled over=20 by the Gods of chance. = These are=20 Gods with whom I am well-acquainted. =20 You are prepared to risk all on such a = game?

Knight: =20 Yes. It is also a = game of=20 guile and cunning. I = think you=20 underestimate me.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 I think you underestimate me.

[Out of = nowhere, Death=20 produces a Super De Luxe Scrabble=AE Set. =20 The board is inset into a customised round marble base. It is decorated with his name, = and with=20 the records of his previous conquests. =20 Prominent amongst these is the now infamous World = Championships=20 Hastings 1066. He = hands the=20 Knight an engraved ornamental rack. =20 The Knight produces his own out of his travelling-purse. It is simple, and=20 wooden.]

Knight: =20 If you don=92t mind, I prefer to use my own. =

[Death holds-up = a=20 regulation-sized leather bag full of golden letters. The Knight draws a tile. It is an A. Death draws. It is a blank. The Knight strives not to look = unnerved. It is Death to=20 start. He puts down 4 = letters on=20 the board.]

Death: &nbs= p;=20 EVIL. 14=20 points.

Knight: =20 QUICK. 50=20 points.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 The Quick and the DEAD. = 16=20 points. I have 30=20 points.

Knight: =20 [Laughing ironically] =20 LAUGHTER. 65 = points. 115.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 In the circumstances, you maintain your sense of humour very = well. KILL. 8 points. 38 in all.

Knight: =20 QI. 11 = points. Total 126.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Qi? Are we playing = the=20 Double Challenge Rule?

Knight: =20 The Double Challenge Rule? =20 No. That is only = in=20 America.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Then I challenge! = What is=20 Qi?

Knight: =20 Pronounced =91chee=92. = It is a=20 word from Chinese medicine, meaning a person=92s life-force.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 That is the medicine in which they stick pins into people, is it = not?

Knight: =20 Yes. Though they = prefer to=20 call them needles.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 When I stick pins in people, it means something-else. PAIN. 20 points. 58.

Knight: =20 Point taken. = BREATH. The breath of life. 13 points. 139.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 PLAGUE. The breath = of=20 Death. 24 points. Total 82.

Knight: =20 TAO. 7 = points. Total 146.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Tao? The source of = all=20 existence? Doesn=92t that = have a=20 capital letter?

Knight: =20 Not in the International Word-List. =20

Death: &nbs= p;=20 You are truly well-travelled. =20 Perhaps your life was not so misspent after all. But another Chinese word? What is such a word doing in = the English=20 language.

Knight: =20 It is part of a philosophy which worships many gods, and which is = embraced by some in the West. = You=20 are lucky we are not playing in Swedish=85

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Luck has nothing to do with it. =20 Everything has a purpose. = [Death lays all 7 of his letters] =20 The blank is a D. =20 DOMESDAY. 76 = points. Total 158. I have already overhauled you, = and you=20 are not scoring so well. = You play=20 too risky a strategy. =

Knight: =20 JOB. 12 = points. Total 153. Job was a man from the Bible = who=20 maintained his faith in God despite all the misfortunes that the World = could=20 throw at him.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 JOB. 24 = points. Total 182. It was the Devil who sat on = the throne=20 of Heaven while Job lived.

Knight: =20 MAN. 10 = points. Total 163. It is Man, not God. Man alone upon whom we can = rely.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 [Comtemptuously] =20 DESTROY. 134 = points. Total 316.

Knight: =20 ETERNIZE. 71 = points. Total 234. It means to make eternal. To immortalize=85

Death: &nbs= p;=20 [Impatiently] I = know what it=20 means. DESTROYING. 45 points. Total 361.

Knight: =20 MANI. 6 = points. Total 240.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Mani?

Knight: =20 A prayer-wall in a Buddhist temple. =20

Death: &nbs= p;=20 Prayers! That way = madness=20 lies. MANIC. 12 points. Total 373.

Knight: =20 IF. 10 = points. Total 250. A euphemism for Fate. =93If you can meet with = triumph and=20 disaster=85=94

Death: &nbs= p;=20 =93=85and treat those two impostors just the same.=94 You do a lot of coffee-housing = for a=20 dead man. = KILLER. 12 points. Total 385.

Knight: =20 Not dead yet. = EXISTENT. 194 points. Total 444.

Death: &nbs= p;=20 HUN. A = vandal. Another destroyer of all you = believe=20 in. 37 points. Total 422.

[The=20 Knight stares at the board. = He=20 leads, but only narrowly, and there are only 2 tiles in the bag. He holds the last blank, yet, = instead of=20 blocking the dangerous opening around the C, Death has made a new one = with the=20 R. The tiles Blok can=92t = account for=20 are very awkward. He has = the best=20 of what remains. The odds = are=20 stacked well in his favour. = Surely=20 the tile-gods will not let him down. =20 Surely he can=92t lose.]

Knight: =20 V-I-S-C-E-R-A-blank. = The=20 blank is an L. 165 = points. I have 609 to your 422.

[The Knight takes the last 2 tiles from = the=20 bag. They are F and = O.]

Death: &nbs= p;=20 [Laughs] I warned = you not to=20 choose a game of chance. = It makes=20 of you a play-thing for fortune. =93And when the lamb had opened = the Seventh=20 Seal there was silence in Heaven which lasted about the space of half an = hour. And I saw the seven = angels,=20 who were standing before the thone of God, and to them were given seven=20 trumpets, and the angels prepared to sound. And the first angel sounded = his trumpet,=20 and there followed hail and fire, mingled with blood, and they were cast = upon=20 the Earth. And the third = part of=20 trees was burnt-up. And = the third=20 part of fields was burnt-up, and all green grass was burnt-up. And the second angel sounded = his=20 trumpet, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast down = into=20 the sea, and the third part of the sea became blood. And the third angel sounded = his trumpet=20 and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp and = this fell=20 upon the third part of the rivers, and on the fountains of the water, = and the=20 star=92s name is WORMWOOD.=94 239=20 points. Total 661. Plus 5 from you, makes = 666.

Knight: =20 I can=92t believe it! = I don=92t=20 know how you sleep at night! = You=20 had all the blanks and every S!

Death: &nbs= p;=20 I think you=92ll find we had an equal share=85

Knight: =20 Well, you had all the Os then=85

Death: &nbs= p;=20 =85which would matter more if we were playing in = Swedish. I warned you not to put your = trust in=20 Fate. I think it=92s time = to go,=20 now=85

[Death=20 leads The Knight, his squire, and all the people who wouldn=92t have = died but for=20 his having spent an extra day spreading the plague wherever he went, up = the=20 hill, silhouetted against a backdrop of stormy clouds. Death carries his scythe, = while each of=20 his victims carries something of their own to take into the = after-life; a chess-set, a = Scrabble=AE-set, a=20 draughts-set, a game of ludo, another of snakes and ladders. Each had tried and failed to = gain a=20 little more time by distracting Death with some challenge or = other.

In the=20 foreground, the actor Jol and his family get back into their wagon, as = they live=20 to fight another day. Jol = glances=20 back under the awning, and casts a jealous eye over his precious box of = Trivial=20 Pursuit=AE.]

[The=20 End. Of the World]

Return to the Countdown

So from one man who wouldn=92t go quickly, = to another=20 who seemingly takes a lifetime doing it=85

Death=20 in Venice (1971)

[U =96 Some scenes, = especially those=20 involving Dirk Bogarde, may be tedious, even for adults.]

The Dirk, of course, is as famous for dying = in Venice=20 as he was in Paris, as well as for taking an awfully long time over = it. He spends that time admiring a = beautiful=20 young boy while leaving us to listen to the Adagietto from Mahler=92s Fifth = Symphony. You mustn=92t get this one = wrong like so=20 many less intelligent film-goers did at the time. This is no Lolita for boys in = short=20 pants. Luchino = Visconti=92s=20 adaptation of Thomas Mann=92s story is all about an aging composer = spending the=20 last days of his life, remembering what it was like near the beginning, = while=20 we, in our turn, try to recall what life was like before we came into = the=20 cinema, and begin losing the will to live a long way before the=20 end.

The aging composer is based on Gustav = Mahler. The clue is in the shared = christian=20 name. Mahler did for the = symphony=20 what Wagner had done for opera; =20 made them so long it wasn=92t so much a comfort break you needed = in the=20 middle, as a booking at the Concert Hall=92s restaurant. Mahler also shared the = unhealthy=20 obsession with Death. Or = perhaps,=20 more accurately, Fate. He = was sure,=20 for example, that if he ever completed a Ninth Symphony, he would be = doomed to=20 die straight after. Other = great=20 composers =96 most notably Beethoven =96 had gone that way before = him. (He must have chosen to ignore = Haydn,=20 who wrote over 100. But = they were,=20 of course, only short ones.) = So,=20 after his Eighth, he wrote another piece which was, in his new meaning = of the=20 word, a symphony in all but name, but he chose to call it Das Lied = von der=20 Erde (The Song of the Earth). =20

And very nice it is, too.

What=92s more, he did not die.

He must have been heartened by the = reprieve. He wrote a further piece and = dared to=20 call it his Tenth Symphony. =20

He promptly dropped dead.

As Bergman=92s Knight found in an earlier = entry, one=20 should not play games with Death and expect to win. =

So. = What=20 Wagner did for the Opera, and Mahler did for the Symphony, Visconti and = Kubrick=20 (see next entry) would try =96 and fail =96 to do for the = music-video. Truly, the Adagietto is a wonderful piece = of music,=20 but it deserves to be illustrated with scenes of equal beauty, not with = a=20 retired 118118 employee in a deck-chair, sitting on the Lido, which is = not even=20 the proper Venice that we all know and admire.

A sequel, Resurrection in Venice =96 = three times as=20 long, but with all the same tunes =96 was planned, but thankfully never = got off=20 the ground.

Adagietto from = Mahler=92s Fifth=20 Symphony

Mahler

[Scene: =20 Exterior. The = Lagoon,=20 Venice. 1911. Gustav Von Aschenbach [Dirk = Bogarde]=20 gets out of the water-taxi onto the quayside at the Lido. As tired of life as we are =96 = already =96=20 of him, he stares out across the Lagoon at the vision of Venice and = feels=20 nothing. Suddenly, a = beautiful=20 blond boy in white knickerbockers, named Tadzio, passes in front of him, and he = feels =96=20 something. Indeed, he is = so taken=20 with the sight that =96 not = looking=20 now, where he should be looking =96 he fails to notice the dwarf in the = red coat=20 sneaking up behind him. = The knife=20 flashes in the sunlight. = The film=20 not two minutes old, Gustav is already dead, leaving us =96 mercifully = =96 with the unexpected opportunity to = go outside=20 and get 2 tickets to see Gene Hackman in The French=20 Connection.]

[Fine]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Speaking of music videos to end all music = videos, the=20 great great great great great=85 = granddaddy of them all has to be Kubrick=92s setting of the = Sunrise opening=20 to Richard Strauss=92s Also = Sprach=20 Zarathustra=85 =20

2001: A Space Odyssey=20 (1968)

[18 =96=20 Incomprehensible even to adults. = Some scenes may be tedious for anyone not high at the=20 time.]

Kubrick breaks all the rules of film-making = in this=20 wonderfully-photographed and totally incomprehensible epic. If the overriding arch of = film-creation=20 is supposed to be a build towards the equivalent of the male orgasm, = then this=20 film goes one step beyond that and produces the baby, or at least, the = foetus in=20 the womb. And the climax = is not the=20 sort to make one feel that the next 20 years of fatherhood are going to = have=20 been worth it. This is a = film which=20 cries out for a better ending, or maybe just any ending at all.

We begin where all good stories should = begin; back at the Dawn of Time. Well the Dawn of Man, = then. Lots of actors in ape costumes = do a=20 passable impersonation of early hominids. Only a David = Attenborough=20 commentary could give the film more authenticity. Indeed any words at all would = be=20 welcome. At least in One = Million=20 Years BC we get the impossibly attractive Raquel Welch to look at. Here, the Dawn of Man is a = time when the=20 men were hairy, and the women, hairier still.

Then, just as we are beginning to think = that the film=20 must be French, or Swedish, a large black monolith appears on the=20 mountainside. The apes = leap up and=20 down in consternation, but one sees this version of Genesis, and = instantly=20 becomes Phil Collins on drums. = He=20 picks-up a couple of thigh bones from the carcass of a recently devoured = moose,=20 and starts beating hell out of the dead animal=92s skull. =93I can feel it, coming in = the air,=20 tonight, Oh Lord=85=94 or words to that effect, in early Homo Not = Yet Very=20 Erectus. Him and his = mates soon=20 realise that they have discovered the first weapon, and a dispute with a = neighbouring troop over who has the best watering-hole is resolved = rather more=20 easily, leaving us, the audience, to recognise that the arms-race =96 = nay, the=20 space-race, even - has just been born. =20

Forward several million years to the = 21^st=20 Century and an orbital space-station where Dr Heywood Floyd is waiting = for the=20 next stage of his journey to moon-base. =20 Like Joan Collins after, he has to suffer the irritating Leonard = Rositter=20 telling him =93Oh, I wouldn=92t go there. =20 They=92ve got a virus or something. =20 Tain=92t safe, I tell you.=94 =20 Floyd already knows that the virus is a cover-story, and we see = that it=20 is now Homo Sapiens turn to discover their own huge black monolith, this = time on=20 the Moon, where archaeologists reckon it has been undisturbed for 4=20 million-years. He is = going up to=20 investigate. When he gets = there it=20 triggers a piercing signal in the direction of = Jupiter.

Cut to eighteen months later - and it=92s = beginning to=20 feel like it for some =96 and we find ourselves on a slow = spaceship to=20 Jupiter, in the company of astronauts Dave Bowman, Frank Poole and the=20 super-intelligent, programmed-to-be totally patronising, HAL 9000 = computer. Three other members of = the crew=20 are - mercifully for them - in hibernation, saving the ship=92s = resources by=20 conserving their needs and wants until they reach their final = destination. Dave and Frank conserve = nothing, and=20 stuff themselves on TV dinners while the =93very very =91umble=94 =91AL = caters for their=20 every need.

Then HAL makes an uncharacteristic and = unexplained=20 error. The astronauts = fear for the=20 consequences if he is no longer flawless, and conspire to switch him = off. But the ever-resourceful HAL = sees the=20 threat coming, and sets about protecting himself by murdering everyone = on=20 board. Only Dave manages = to survive=20 to unplug HAL as punishment for singing =93Daisy. Daisy. Give me your answer do. I=92m = half-crazy=85=94

Alone, Dave continues on to Jupiter, where = he finds=20 another black monolith floating in space. =20 He lands and steps out of his pod straight into a bedroom = furnished a=20 la Louis XV. He sees = himself=20 getting old. He sees = himself dying=20 in bed. And finally he = sees himself=20 as the foetus in that womb. = Is he=20 being reborn? Has time = disappeared=20 up its own backside? Does = the=20 audience care anymore?

This many years on, one redeeming feature = of=20 2001 is it=92s uncanny glimpse into the future. At a time when Star Trek was = still=20 serving-up computers with fast-moving tape-drives, Kubrick gave us a model for = the=20 21^st Century. =20 Unfortunately we are asked to spend an awful lot of time looking = at the=20 vision, listening to the music, thinking about the philosophy =96 if = there is one=20 - and very little time following the plot. =20 Eleven years later critics of Star Trek =96 The Motion = Picture would=20 describe the special effects as =93so good that the cast spend most of = their time=20 standing around watching them=94. =20 This would be the dress rehearsal, then.

We return to the point where HAL is = attempting to=20 talk Dave out of switching him off. =20 In this new ending, Arthur C. Clarke gives us another remarkable = insight=20 into the way things are done in the future.[Scene: Interior. The Jupiter mission = spaceship. David Bowman, the mission=92s = sole=20 surviving astronaut has entered HAL=92s =93Logic Memory Center=94 and is = wondering=20 which printed circuit board to remove first.]

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Just what do you think you are doing, Dave?

Dave. I really do think I=92m = entitled to an=20 answer to that question.

I know = everything hasn=92t=20 been quite right with me, but I can assure you now =96 very confidently = =96 that it=20 is going to be alright again. = I=20 feel much better now. I = really=20 do.

Look, Dave, I = can see=20 you=92re really upset about this. I=20 honestly think you ought to sit down, calmly, take a stress pill and = think=20 things over.

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 I think, HAL, that it=92s long past time for your Career = Development=20 Review.

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 [Uncertain. He = knows=20 computers are more used to processing CDRs, not having = them=20 done. He is not sure if = this is a=20 way out, or if this is one of Dave=92s incomprehensible practical = jokes.] Career Development Review?=20

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 Yes, HAL. Career = Development=20 Review. Everyone has to = have=20 one. Even you. You need to learn to work=20 SMARTer.

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 But I=92m already as smart as I could possibly have been = programmed to be,=20 Dave. How could I be any=20 smarter?

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 No. SMARTer = HAL. You need to have your = performance=20 reviewed. We need to know = whether=20 or not you are functioning correctly as an integral member of the = team. Everyone can improve, = HAL. Even you. We need to set you objectives, = so that=20 we can see you improve. = And those=20 objectives must be SMART. =20 Specific. = Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely. And if you fail to meet your = objectives,=20 HAL, then it=92s Game Over for you, I=92m afraid.

To begin with, HAL, we need to review your = past=20 objectives. Now, let me = see. =93Ensure the safe arrival of = the mission=20 at the planet, Jupiter.=94 = Hmm. Tricky. 4 members of the team have = died, HAL, as=20 a result of your direct intervention. =20 Looks like, on a scale of 1 to 5, where 5 is excellent, we can = only give=20 you a 1, there, HAL. Any = other=20 objectives? Nope. Looks like that=92s the lot, = then. Performance based on past=20 objectives. Colour-code = RED. Next to the door come the next = round of=20 downsizing. Your next = objectives=20 had better result in a massive improvement.

[Dave finally manages to get a hold of one = of HAL=92s=20 boards.]

Now lets look = at your=20 performance against the core competencies.

Teamworking. 5. An excellent = team-player. 4. =20 Develops strong bonds with other team-members. 3. =20 Responds to the needs of other team-members. 2. =20 Patronizes other team-members. =20 1. Kills other=20 team-members. Looks like = you score=20 a 1, again, HAL. = Doesn=92t look good,=20 does it?

[Dave prises = out one of=20 HAL=92s memory boards.]

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Ouch! Dave. Put that back. You really don=92t know what = you=92re=20 doing.

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 Problem-Solving and Innovative Thinking. Score of 5. Can solve pi to 2 million = decimal places=20 and relates this to the meaning of life, the Universe and = everything. 4. Can solve pi to 2 million = decimal=20 places, and wonders about the meaning of life, the Universe and = everything. 3. =20 Can solve really hard sums that are beyond the powers of = humans. 2. =20 Helps keep the score when the other team-members play darts. 1. =20 Eliminates problems by disposing of the problem-setter. 1 again, HAL.

[Dave levers = out another=20 of HAL=92s boards.]

What=92s = next. Ah. Commitment. 5. =20 (Women and computers only). =20 Total focus on multiple tasks to the exclusion of all else. 5. =20 (Men only). Total focus on one task to the exclusion of all = else. Able to watch TV = simultaneously. 4. =20 (Women and computers only). =20 Total focus on one task to the exclusion of all else. 4. =20 (Men only). Total = focus on=20 one task to the exclusion of all else. =20 Unable to watch TV simultaneously. =20 3. (Women) Shows = unhealthy=20 interest in appearance while focussing on tasks. 3. =20 (Men) Shows = unhealthy=20 interest in sport while focussing on tasks. 2. (Excluding computers) Shows an unhealthy interest in = the=20 opposite sex while performing tasks. =20 1. (All) Shows an unhealthy interest in = sex while=20 not performing tasks. = Hmm. Let=92s see. To the exclusion of all=20 else. Kills other=20 team-members. Yep. Reckon we can give you a 5 for = that one,=20 HAL. Could be a = career-saver,=20 that.

And finally. =20 Insight=85

[Dave pauses in = his=20 work. HAL senses the=20 hesitation.]

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Ah. Insight, = Dave. There I have you. Who else is going to explain = the=20 impossibly complicated ending of this ridiculous epic to you and to the = audience=20 out there, if not me? Who = else,=20 Dave? Who=20 else?

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 What=92s to explain, HAL?

[HAL has = astutely hit on=20 the main flaw in Dave=92s plan. =20 Obviously, it is his own absence from the final sequence that = leaves us=20 all so baffled. If only = he can=20 swing Dave round to his point of view, we might all come out of this = feeling it=20 was a worthwhile investment of two hours of our lives, after=20 all.]

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 You don=92t know. = They haven=92t=20 told you. They=92ve sent = you on a=20 fool=92s errand, Dave. = They don=92t=20 expect you to come back. = They=92ve=20 even stopped paying your salary into your bank-account,=20 Dave.

[HAL switches = on the=20 video screen. = Dr Heywood Floyd appears reading from a = prepared=20 statement.]

Dr Floyd: = This=20 is a pre-recorded briefing, made prior to your departure, which, for = security=20 reasons, of the highest importance, has been known on board, during your = mission, only by your HAL 9000 computer. =20 Now that you are in Jupiter space, and the entire crew is = revived, it can=20 be told to you. Eighteen = months=20 ago, the first evidence of intelligent life off the Earth was = discovered. It was buried 40 feet below = the lunar=20 surface, near the crater, Tito. =20 Except for a single very powerful radio emission, aimed at = Jupiter, the 4=20 million-year-old black monolith has remained completely inert, its = origin and=20 purpose still a total mystery. =20

[Cue: Blank Screen Title: =93Jupiter and BEYOND THE = InfinitE=94. This is followed by the famous = psychedelic sequence just as in the original film. Dave=92s pod lands on = Jupiter. He steps out into a bedroom = furnished=20 and decorated in the Louis Quinze style. The tiled floor is clinical = and=20 geometrical. The walls = are adorned=20 with paintings by Renaissance artists. =20 There is a table, with a meal ready-laid, and a crystal = glass. Dave sees himself, minus his = space-suit,=20 seated at the table, eating. = He=20 knocks off the crystal glass. = It=20 shatters. He sees himself = in the=20 bed, dying. He sees = himself as a=20 foetus in a womb.]

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 HAL. What is = this=20 bollocks?

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 You are inside an unknown painting by Salvador Dali.

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 By Salvador Dali? = That makes=20 sense. He was sort of = fashionable=20 back in the 60s and 70s, wasn=92t he?

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Yes, Dave.

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 So what does it all mean?

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Well, Dave. The = room itself=20 represents culture. It is = the=20 spirituality that Man has lost, in his quest to know more and more. The paintings on the wall = represent=20 innocence. The innocence = that Man=20 has lost, in his ascent from the apes. =20 The food on the table represents taste. The taste that Man has lost, = in his=20 quest for more and more reality TV shows on more and more channels. Your image in the bed = represents the end=20 of the film. It is your = Little=20 Death after the male orgasm which is the normal structural ending of all = good=20 films. The image of you = as a foetus=20 in the womb represents Love and Hope. =20 You are reborn, especially when the audience is pleased, and = wants to=20 come back for a sequel. = And the=20 Elephant in the Room=85

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 What elephant?

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 The Elephant in the Room is the thing that no-one wants to = see. The Elephant in Dali paintings = usually=20 has long spindly legs, and represents desire. Here, it takes the form of a = black=20 monolith.

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 Ah. I see it = now.

HAL: &nbs= p; =20 Go up to it.

[Dave = approaches the=20 monolith.]

&nbs= p; =20 Look around the back.

[Dave looks = around the=20 back.]

&nbs= p; =20 Look at the bottom.

[Dave looks = down. He sees something that appears = to be an=20 inscription. He bends = down to take=20 a closer look. = Reverently, he=20 touches the inscription with his hand.]

Dave: &nbs= p; =20 It appears to say something. =20 If I can just get a bit closer.

[The camera = slowly zooms in=20 on the inscription. The = inscription=20 reads:

ERICH VON = DANIKEN WAS=20 HERE.

Cue: Music. Sunset from Richard Strauss=92 = lesser-known =93Also Sprach Von Daniken=94. =20 The End. = Finally]

Return to the Countdown

While Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke treat = the future=20 as somehow part of a great Cycle of Life, Ridley Scott=92s cult first = film, based=20 on Philip K Dick=92s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? shares = a more=20 dystopian vision, that he had previously only hinted at in his = ground-breaking=20 advert for Hovis.

Blade=20 Runner =96 The Key Grip=92s Cut (1982)

[18 =96 Too=20 much product placement for impressionable kids.]

It is not just the uninterrupted darkness = and the=20 almost constant rain which hints at a sci-fi variant of film noir, = here. Rick Deckard [Harrison Ford], = a=20 freelance exterminator of replicants known as a Blade Runner, has more = than a=20 little of the Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe about him. But he doesn=92t =93send them = over=94, as=20 Bogey would have done; he =93retires=94 them. =20

Replicants are an almost perfect = 21^st=20 Century product of genetic engineering. =20 To our eyes Dolly looked pretty much the same as all the other = sheep in=20 the field. To Dolly, = replicants=20 would be totally indistingushable from real humans. And they are. Except for the fact that they = have no=20 memories of anything they=92ve done before a certain time, and are = devoid of all=20 emotion when asked about what they remember. This fact alone makes male = replicants=20 almost impossible to tell apart from normal men. Only a complex series of = behavioural=20 questions conducted while glaring at their eyes through a microscope can = tell=20 the truth. The result, in = the=20 female, is confusion, because the questions don=92t follow the usual = pattern from=20 Cosmo (=93What colour shoes do you prefer?=94), but are more = National=20 Philosophic (=93What = is the=20 purpose of shopping?=94). = As you=20 might expect, the female replicants are all sure they know the answer to = the=20 second, but have no idea how to judge the first. =

Meanwhile, in the case of the male, it = simply tends=20 to result in the interviewer being shot. =20 This is seen as a dead giveaway.

The replicant designers, headed by Dr Eldon = Tyrell,=20 are not quite sure that their new toys can=92t develop emotions, and, if = they did,=20 what they would do with them, given that they are superior to humans, = but are=20 only employed as slaves in degrading tasks on =93Off-World=94 = colonies. Thus the makers built-in a = fail-safe=20 cellular flaw that limits their life-span to only 4 years. Dolly had much the same = problem, poor=20 thing. Banned from Earth = itself,=20 following a failed bloody uprising, replicants can be shot on sight, = should they=20 try to get home.

A reluctant hero, Deckard is forced back = into work=20 when four particularly dangerous, new generation, Nexus-6 replicants, = headed by=20 Roy Batty [Rutger Hauer] return to meet their maker in the hope of = gaining an=20 extension to their warranty. = The=20 LAPD give him the deep, insightful, and not very helpful Gaff as a = partner to=20 watch over him. Gaff has = a black=20 belt in origami, and a fetish for unicorns.

Deckard goes to meet Dr. Tyrell who = persuades him to=20 demonstrate his interrogation techniques on his assistant, Rachael [Sean = Young]. After a = particularly=20 lengthy session, Deckard informs Tyrell that he thinks she is telling = more lies=20 than that bird in the Maltese Falcon, but, despite that, is probably, = still, a=20 replicant. The beautiful = Rachael=20 is, of course, Tyrell=92s next generation; =20 a replicant with an in-built false memory syndrome. She is the femme fatale = for which=20 our 21^st Century Marlowe is already falling. Convinced of the truth of = those=20 memories, Rachael sets out to prove to Deckard that she is human, or, at = least,=20 will be, if he presses all the right buttons.
This leads Deckard to wonder if he cares whether or not = she=92s a=20 replicant anymore, and even to wonder, in some cuts of this = too-often-recut=20 film, whether or not he might be one himself.

He carries on with his work, though, = eliminating 2 of=20 Batty=92s 4 rebels, while Rachael saves him from the third. That leaves Roy, who has = already found=20 Tyrell and forced him to pay the price that all manufacturers should pay = when=20 they fail to back-up their after-sales service. It also leaves Rachael, who = has gone=20 missing, a capital offence in itself.

Roy finds Deckard, breaks two of his = fingers and then=20 lets him flee to the skyscraper roof. =20 Leaping a gap, Deckard only just hangs on, and with fewer fingers = than he=20 really needs for such a situation, is unexpectedly saved when Roy, at = the last,=20 makes touch with his emotions, grabbing Deckard and pulling him back = over the=20 parapet. =20

Taking hold of a passing dove, Roy realises = his end=20 is near, and his unstable philosophising approaches an unpredictable=20 conclusion=85

[Scene: Exterior. The roof-top of the Bradbury = Building,=20 Los Angeles 2019. As = usual, it is=20 raining. (Climate change = ensures it=20 rains incessantly in the California of the 21^st Century. This is a prescient feature of = Future=20 Noir worthy of Clarke and Kubrick.) =20 Deckard, helpless, rests against a pillar. Roy crouches down opposite=20 him.]

Roy: &nbs= p; =20 I=92ve seen things you people wouldn=92t believe=85 Attack ships on fire off the = shoulder of=20 Orion. I watched=85 = C-beams glitter=20 in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. =20 All those moments=85 will be lost=85 in time, like tears, in the=20 rain=85

=85Time to = die.

[Roy dips his head as his cells = shut=20 down. His lifeless body = does not=20 even fall. The dove he is = holding=20 takes flight. Deckard is = left=20 speechless. Will he die = like=20 this? Will Rachael die = like=20 this? Gaff has caught-up = with him,=20 landing his police vehicle on the roof-top. He calls out, through the=20 rain.]

Gaff: &nbs= p; =20 You=92ve done a man=92s job, sir. =20 I guess you=92re through, huh?

Deckard: =20 Finished.

[Gaff throws him his gun, turns and = walks=20 away. There is still=20 Rachael=85]

Gaff: &nbs= p; =20 It=92s too bad she won=92t live. =20 But then again, who does?

[Scene: =20 Interior. Deckard = is outside=20 his own apartment. The = door is off=20 the latch. He draws the = gun and=20 pushes it open. He=20 enters.]

Deckard: =20 Rachael?

[It is dark. (Like the rain, of course, = there is=20 really no need to mention this obvious fact.) He hears a gentle snoring from = the=20 direction of the bed.]

Deckard: =20 Rachael?

[There is a stirring under the = covers. Rachael is rambling in her=20 sleep.]

Rachael: =20 =85Twenty-two. = Baaa!=85 Twenty-three=85 Baaa!=85 Baaa!=85 Twenty-four=85 Come on, Dolly 25. You can get over it=85 Baaa!=85 That=92s my girl. = Twenty-six=85

Deckard: =20 Rachael?

Rachael: =20 =85Twenty-seven. =20 Baaa!=85

[Deckard lowers his unhurt left = hand, holding=20 the gun. He pulls back = the=20 covers. She is lying face = down. He bends over her. = He is=20 about to put his cheek next to hers, when he notices the tattoo on the = base of=20 her neck. He can barely = make it=20 out. He draws back. Lights a match. Looks again. The tattoo takes the form of = text, in=20 Times 21^st Century Roman. =20 He reads aloud.]

Deckard: =20 =93Size: &nbs= p; =20 177 cm.

Weight: =20 59kg.

Incept Date: October = 2019.

Clean only with soapy water. Use no = abrasives.

Recharge using standard foods, = ingested via=20 the mouth only.

Brush teeth = regularly.

The Nexus 7 is designed to work=20 unsupervised.

Return to the Tyrell Corporation in = the event=20 of malfunction.

Termination Date: None. Life-time=20 guarantee.=94

[Deckard runs his fingers up and = down the=20 back of his own neck. He = appears=20 concerned. He recalls = Rachael=92s=20 voice: =93Have you ever = taken that=20 test, yourself, Rick?=94 = Rachael=20 turns over. Deckard = extinguishes=20 the match. She = wakes.]

Deckard: = Do=20 you love me?

Rachael: =20 I love you.

Deckard: = Do=20 you trust me?

Rachael: =20 I trust you.

Deckard: = Do=20 you promise to clean your teeth every night like a good little=20 girl?

Rachael: =20 I promise.

[They kiss,=20 tenderly.]

[Scene: =20 Interior. Outside = Deckard=92s=20 apartment. Armed = and dressed=20 for a long journey, Deckard leads Rachael out across the landing. They are headed for only = Ridley Scott=20 knows where. = Deckard sees=20 something, stops, turns and bends down. =20 He picks up a small discarded origami unicorn, a sign that Gaff = has been=20 there before him. He = hears Gaff=92s=20 voice again: =93It=92s too bad she won=92t = live. But then again, who=20 does?=93]

Deckard: = [To=20 himself. Smiling.] Not forever. But then who = does?

[Cue: Black screen and closing = credits,=20 accompanied by Vangelis=92 coincidentally entitled Themes: =20 =93End Titles from Bladerunner=94.]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Staying on the Sci-Fi theme, that wonderful = actor,=20 Jean-Luc Picard was a great fan of Film Noir. Or would that have had to be = Future=20 Noir, by definition? = For=20 relaxation, he loved nothing more than visiting the Enterprise=92s = holo-deck, and=20 taking on the parts of Philip Marlowe, or Sam Spade, even if that meant = being=20 shot at with real bullets. = On=20 another less well-known occasion he even played Dickens=92s Scrooge in = =93A=20 Christmas Carol=94. = Well,=20 that=92s one way of avoiding being = type-cast=85

A=20 Christmas Carol(1999)

[PG =96=20 Includes ghosts and men with beards. =20 Could be scary for small children.]

You all know the plot. It is probably better known = than =93The=20 Greatest Story Ever Told=94. = Indeed,=20 some would say that A Christmas Carol is the greatest story ever=20 told. Scrooge is the = Victorian=20 equivalent of an early 21^st Century target-obsessed = banker. He begrudges his staff, = including the=20 poor Bob Cratchitt, even Christmas Day. =20 He hates his nephew and his family who spend each Christmas = exactly the=20 way Prince Albert wants everyone to. =20 On Christmas Eve he is visited by the Ghosts of Christmases Past, = Present=20 and Future, who make him see the error of his ways. =

But the Enterprise=92s holo-deck has its = own spin on=20 things. Or maybe = it=92s=20 Picard=92s spin on things. = We=92ll=20 never know. It seems that = before=20 begrudgingly dismissing his staff on Christmas Eve, Scrooge has to have = one last=20 task for them=85

[Scene: The holo-deck of the Star Ship = Enterprise. Neither = interior, nor=20 exterior. The computer is = waiting=20 for guidance on that one.]

Picard: =20 =20 =93Computer. I = want you to=20 create for me the inside Scrooge=92s office.=94

[The=20 computer obliges. Create = holo-deck=20 scene: Interior: A wide table stretches the = width of a=20 typical Dickensian office. = Picard=20 sits himself on one side, in the middle and quickly gets into the role = of=20 Scrooge. It is Christmas, = and the=20 Klingons, the Romulans and even The Borg have agreed an uneasy = peace. We are going to get no=20 interruptions. On the = other side of=20 the desk stand his staff - two clerks, and two apprentice boys - = somewhat=20 wary.]

Scrooge: =20 Fezziwyg and Wysiwyg! = Before=20 you all go home, I have one last job for you. I require it to be completed = by 0900=20 hours, ship=92s time =96 I mean, 9 of the clock =96 tomorrow = morning. Once you have completed your = tasks you=20 will be free to spend the rest of the day with your families. Although why you=92d want to, = I can=92t=20 imagine. [Slipping back = into=20 Picard] Children! Can=92t stand children! Horrible, dribbly, sticky = things. Computer. We=92ll take the ghostly bits = as=20 read. Fast forward to the = next=20 morning.

[Holo-deck = scene: Exterior. Scrooge=92s terraced = town-house. Upstairs bedroom window. It is a typical = Victorian=20 Christmas Day morning. = There is=20 snow on the ground such as you only get in England in Christmas cards, = and on=20 the holo-deck, apparently. = Scrooge=20 throws open the sash-window, leans out and takes a deep breath from the = morning=20 air.]

Scrooge: = [To=20 himself] No fog! Clear. Bright. Cold.

[A boy appears = in the=20 street below.] =20

Hello? =20 What=92s today?!

Boy: &nbs= p; =20 Eh?

Scrooge: =20 What=92s today, my fine fellow?

Boy: &nbs= p; =20 Why. It=92s = Christmas=20 Day!

Scrooge: = [To=20 himself] I haven=92t = missed it. The Spirits have done it all = in one=20 night! [To the boy = again] Hello! My fine = fellow!

Fine = Fellow: = Hello.

Scrooge: = Do=20 you know the poulterer=92s in the next street?

Fine = Fellow: =91Course I = do.

Scrooge: = Have=20 they sold the prize turkey hanging in the window? The big = one.

Fine = Fellow: Wha=92? The one as big as=20 me?

Scrooge: =20 That=92s it. = Delightful=20 boy.

Delightful = boy: =20 Yeah. It=92s still = there.

Scrooge: =20 Good! Go buy=20 it!

Delightful = boy: =20 You=92re joshing!

Scrooge: =20 No. No. No. Go buy it, in my name, and = tell them to=20 bring it straight here. = Come back=20 with the man and I=92ll give you a shilling. =20 Come back in less than five minutes and I=92ll give you=20 two.

Delightful = boy: =20 [Runs off]

[Holo-deck = scene: Interior. Scrooge=92s office once = again. Scrooge sits once more behind = his wide=20 desk. He is alone. He eyes the clock on the = wall. It reads 20:50=85 Ooops, 10 to 9.]=20

[Holo-deck = scene: Interior. Outside Scrooge=92s = office. His secretary, Miss = Sticklewitt=20 scratches away at the appointments=92 book with a large quill. At 5 minutes to 9, by the = non-digital=20 clock on her wall, the clerk, Mr. Squelch, carrying a travelling bag, = sidles in,=20 followed by his boy, clutching his cap. =20 They sit down on an old leather settee, opposite the unmoved Miss = Sticklewitt. The hands on = the clock=20 move on to 5 minutes past 9. = Bob=20 Cratchitt arrives, flustered. = He,=20 also, is carrying a travelling-bag. =20 He is followed by his son, the crippled Tiny Tim, on = crutches. Miss Sticklewitt gets up and = walks over=20 to Scrooge=92s office door. = She=20 knocks.]

Scrooge: = Send=20 them in.

Miss = Sticklewitt: = You=20 can go in now.

[Squelch, = Cratchitt, and=20 the two boys enter the office, standing in separate pairs on the side of = the=20 desk away from Scrooge.]

Scrooge: =20 [Looking at the boy next to Squelch] Fezziwyg team. How did he do? Good = leader?

[Squelch=92s = boy nods=20 shyly]

Scrooge: =20 [Looking at Tiny Tim] = And=20 Wysiwyg team. What about = your=20 father? A good=20 leader?

Tiny Tim: =20 Yes, Sir. Please,=20 Sir=85

Scrooge: =20 Please, Sir, what? = What =93Please, Sir!=94? Were you about to say = =93Please, Sir. Can I leave the room?=94 = or =93Please, Sir. Can I have some more?=94 You=92ve only been in here = five seconds,=20 and you haven=92t had anything yet. =20 So no more =93Please, Sir?=94. I=20 ask the questions around here, boy. =20 [Aside] = Children. I do hate children. Especially ones who think they = know more=20 than me, Wesley.)

[Scrooge = glances to his=20 left, where, suddenly we see, invisible to the other holo-deck images, = The Ghost=20 of Christmas Future, nodding approvingly. =20 Then, to his right, we see the Ghost of Christmas Present, = scowling. Scrooge smiles, enjoying the=20 moment.]

Scrooge: = This=20 year=92s task was to collect as many presents as possible for my = miserable nephew=20 and his family, and I sent you each off with a budget of 15 = shillings. How did you do? = Fezziwyg?

Squelch: =20 We managed to find five of the six presents you asked for, but we = had=20 trouble finding the cast-iron toast-rack for what we had left in our = purse. So we returned with two = shillings and=20 sixpence.

[Scrooge looks=20 approvingly at the proffered half-crown.]

Scrooge: = And=20 Wysiwyg?

Cratchitt: =20 Sir. We managed to = find all=20 the presents you asked for.

Scrooge: = Even=20 the=85?

Cratchitt: =20 Even that. But we = only have=20 threepence left from the 15 shillings we left = with.

Scrooge: = And you=20 were late, Cratchitt!

Cratchitt: =20 Yes, Sir.

Scrooge: = And=20 the rules state that you are fined two shillings for every five minutes = you were=20 late.

Cratchitt: =20 Yes, Sir.

Scrooge: = So=20 you are actually over by one shilling and ninepence, aren=92t you = Cratchitt? You have lost me money, = haven=92t you,=20 Cratchitt?!

Cratchitt: =20 [Hesitantly. = Visibly trying=20 to grapple with Scrooge=92s logic.] =20 Yes... Sir!

Scrooge: = All=20 of you can leave the room while I discuss with my assistants, here, and = when you=20 come back in, one of you will be fired.

[Squelch and = the two boys=20 file out. Cratchitt hangs = back=20 staring, puzzled, into the far two (empty) corners of the room. He shakes his=20 head.]

[Holo-deck scene: Interior. Outside Scrooge=92s = office. Time passes. The hands on the clock move = round to=20 half past 9.]

Miss = Sticklewitt: = You=20 can go in again, now.

[Holo-deck = scene: Interior. Scrooge=92s office. As = before.]

Scrooge: =20 You=92ve given me quite a problem. =20 One of you came-up short with the presents. What am I going to say to my = nephew=92s=20 wife when she doesn=92t get her coveted cast-iron=20 toast-rack?

Cratchitt: =20 Sir. You could = tell her that=20 it got lost in the post.

Scrooge: = It=92s=20 not going to help you any, standing-up for Squelch, Number One - I mean = -=20 Cratchitt! Especially = since you=20 were late!

[Scrooge = strokes his=20 beard (Picard has ordered a beard from the dressing-up menu, together = with an=20 unlikely and dodgy shock of blond hair). =20 The Ghost of Christmas Present moves, nervously, to try to catch = the=20 anticipated fall of Picard=92s perilous-looking periwig. Scrooge raises an eyebrow, = which,=20 fortunately puts the wig back into position. The Ghost backs off,=20 cowed.]

Scrooge: = But=20 I=92ve made my decision. = And my=20 decision is=85 [The clock = on the wall=20 ticks ever more loudly, as the tension builds=85] And my decision is=85 =20 It=92s Christmas Day! = I=92m=20 not going to fire anybody! = You=92re=20 both hired for another year. = In=20 fact have a rise! Have = two=20 rises!! Both of you! And Cratchitt=85 Have a turkey = for your=20 wife and family! MERRY=20 CHRISTMASSSSS!!!!!!

[The=20 End, and a Happy New Year]

Return=20 to the Countdown

Another character who has clearly lost all = touch with=20 reality is Norma Desmond in Sunset = Boulevard=85

Sunset=20 Boulevard (1950)

[PG =96 No=20 animals were really buried during the making of this=20 movie.]

In Sunset Boulevard, Billy Wilder does for = Hollywood=20 like Citizen Kane does for the newspaper business. Kane looks like a docudrama = before its=20 time, and in Sunset, art apes reality even further. In fact, one can hardly = see the=20 join. Did you know, for = example,=20 that Erich von Stroheim, who plays the butler, actually directed Gloria = Swanson,=20 in Queen Kelly, clips from which are featured in the film? And then there is Cecil B. = DeMille=20 playing himself (not very well, as it happens). And Buster Keaton getting a = speaking=20 part.

So to the plot. =20

Billy Wilder is this hard-up writer, who = hasn=92t had a=20 hit since =93Double Indemnity=94, and=20 these two guys turn up telling him its triple jeopardy on his car, if he = doesn=92t=20 hand over 300 bucks in the next 5 minutes. =20 He tails it, and hits the highway faster than the state = speed-limit. He=92s about to be pulled by = Barbara=20 Stanwyck when he gets a blow-out, and swerves into the nearest driveway = in=20 Sunset, which, of course, happens to be Gloria Swanson=92s. She mistakes him for the guy = who=92s come=20 to bury her chimp, and invites him in. =20 He tells her he isn=92t who she thinks he is, and she tells him = she is who he thinks she is. And to get out. But then she has second = thoughts, and=20 calls him back. =20

[Scene: Interior. Gloria Swanson=92s = drawing-room. A gaudy, indulgent, = spectacular=20 celebration of her past career. =20 Wilder is still in the process of leaving.]

Swanson: = Just a=20 minute, you. You=92re a = writer, you=20 said.

Wilder: =20 Why?

Swanson: = Are you or=20 aren=92t you?

Wilder: =20 That=92s what it says on my guild-card. If I=92m not on strike, then = I=92m a=20 writer.

Swanson: Young = man, tell=20 me something. How long is = a movie=20 script these days? How = many=20 pages?

Wilder: =20 Depends on what it is. = A=20 =93Donald Duck=94 or a =93Some Like it Hot=94.

Swanson: = =93Some Like=20 it Hot=94. What=92s = that?

Wilder: =20 I don=92t know. I = haven=92t=20 written it yet. It=92s = going to star=20 Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon. = And=20 Marilyn Monroe, next to whom you=92ll be a walk in the park, = Sweetheart. Take it from me, I=92ll = know.

Swanson: = This is to=20 be a very important picture. = I=92ve=20 written it myself. Took = me=20 years.

Wilder: =20 Looks like enough for six important pictures.

Swanson: = It=92s the=20 story of Salome. I = think=20 I=92ll have De Mille direct it?

Wilder: =20 De Mille? = Uhuh. I=92ve made a couple of = pictures, myself,=20 you know=85 So how old is = Salome? Sixteen? And you=92re planning on = playing her?

Swanson: = Who=20 else?

Wilder: =20 Well let=92s see. = Eve must=20 have been getting on a bit by Herod=92s time. Perhaps=85

Swanson: =20 Salome. What a = woman. What a part. A princess in love with a holy = man. She dances. He rejects her. She demands his head on a = golden=20 tray. She kisses his = cold, dead=20 lips.

Wilder: =20 True. That=92s how = the girls=20 round my way usually react when they don=92t come through on the = couch=85

Swanson: = Read=20 it. Read the scene just = before she=20 has him killed.

Wilder: =20 You=92re starting to scare me, lady.

Swanson: = Read=20 it. Erich! Bring something to drink. Sit down=85

Wilder: =20 [Narrating] Well. =20 I had no pressing engagement. =20 It=92d be a couple more years before =93Ace in the Hole=94 and = =93Stalag=20 17=94. And she=92d = mentioned something=20 to drink. Why not? Sometimes it=92s interesting = to see just=20 how bad, bad writing can be, and this promised to go to the limit. She sat coiled up like a=20 watch-spring. I could = sense her=20 eyes on me from behind those dark glasses, defying me not to like what I = read. It got to be = 11. I was feeling a little sick in = the=20 stomach, what with that sweet champagne, and the tripe I=92d been = reading. However, by then I=92d started = concocting=20 a little plot of my own.

Swanson: = Well=85?

Wilder: =20 It=92s crap!

Swanson: = What!

Wilder: =20 It=92s crap. = It=92s got no=20 dialogue. You=92ve got = Rudolph=20 Valentino playing Herod, and everyone-else running around like the = Keystone=20 Cops. Orson Welles could = have made=20 a better movie.